I'm a terrible person

So here's the thing. The reason I've returned isn't good (but then, it never is). I'm afraid for my friend. He is a friend of my boyfriend's, and my bf told me that he starves himself. Apparently he eats a piece of toast in the morning but then fasts the rest of the day, until very late at night. He refuses to eat in between. And he has lost 10 pounds in the past month.
I'm worried about him. I want him to be okay, to be happy. But then I use his experience as encouragement. Like, if he can do it, so can I. But that's so wrong! What the hell is wrong with me?

In no particular order...

10 reasons to stop stuffing your fucking face (some personal inspiration)
1. Modeling. You will never model at the size you are now and you know it.
2. To be happy. You'll never be satisfied with your appearance until you lose the weight.
3. Healthier eating habits=better skin
4. Cute clothes
5. Because you don't want to be a big little girl. You want to be little for Daddy (if anyone is reading, this is about Daddy Dom, not my literal father)
6. Smaller waist=bigger butt
7. Smaller waist=bigger chest
8. To get the tattoos
9. Slimmer face=prettier face.
10. To finally have control

I'm back + new goals

I am tired of being unhappy with my appearance. My weight is the same it's always been, my skin is terrible, my hair is a mess. I need to get control of myself. I'm pathetic.
I've been using an app to track my intake and exercise, but it's not enough. Im not going to jump in too quickly though. For now, I'm just going to add in a few things at a time. My first step is to get back into drinking TONS of water. I used to be really good about that, but not so much anymore. And I'll pay more attention to what I'm eating, in addition to his much. I'm not going to worry about exercise for the moment, because it's hotter than Satan's ball sack right now. I'll work on my current goals for a few weeks, then add more. Other goals is to take better care of my skin. I'm training to be a makeup artist, which means constant practice. I really need a better skincare routine. That's all for now.
I guess I'm done for the moment. We'll see how this goes.

I'm leaving

I need to get away from this before it consumes and destroys me. I need to start taking care of myself before this brief moment of sanity is gone and it's too late. I am fine the way I am, and I want to be healthy. I don't want to be depressed anymore, and I don't want to starve. So I'm going to focus on taking care of myself. I wish you all the best.

Thinspo-Black and white

I just used the rest of my black and white pics, and they ended up being all legs! I'll look for more variety next time. But hey, legs are nice.

So I'm still here

Assuming anyone cares. But yeah. Not only am I still here, but I'm back. Back to restricting, back to exercising every night. Back to browsing MPA during my free time.
For a while there, I thought that I'd rather be a little heavier and be happy, without worry about what I eat, then to stress over what I'm eating and be skinny. And I felt great, until I stepped on a scale at my boyfriend's house and started to cry. Turns out I'd rather be skinny.
So here I am. Still failing college, still failing at life, but now I'm five pounds heavier. But I've been working at it for the past two days, and it's amazing how much my stomach shrinks just because I was so fat and bloated from eating terribly. It's enough motivation to keep me going. That and the fact that my boyfriend admitted that my body isn't as good as when we met. (When we met I was eating 300 kcal a day and exercising multiple times a day). So I'm back at it. We'll see how it goes I guess. And if I fail, there's always another option.
So today I had homemade granola for breakfast (No fucking clue how many kcal it is, which sucks) and almond milk. For now I'm just watching my intake rather than counting calories. I'll probably start counting (and restricting) on Monday.
Oh yeah, and one good thing came out of it all: my boyfriend agreed to support me losing weight, no matter what I choose to do. He won't argue my intake or anything anymore. Which is good.
Anyway, this was just a quick update. I'll post again when I have something to say. Maybe I'll go collect some thinspo and post it.

I might be saying goodbye

I'm thinking about killing myself. It just seems like the logical thing to do. My life is going nowhere. I have nothing going for me. To be honest, I just don't see any reason to continue existing. I'm flunking out of college and I'm terrible at everything else in my life. I'm going nowhere...so I may as well just leave.
It probably won't be for another few weeks, (I still need to prepare), but in case I don't come back to this, I just wanted to say thank you to the four of you who read this. I really did enjoy posting for a while there. It was a nice distraction. I know I wasn't here for long, but it was nice. I wish the best for all of you.

Success is overrated

I did manage to fast for the entire day Friday. Problem is, my body didn't appreciate that. I woke up Saturday feeling incredibly nauseated, my head was spinning, and I could barely walk. I managed to get downstairs and I ate two pieces of celery and drank some orange juice, thinking that I probably needed the nutrients, and not wanting to break my fast too suddenly. BAD IDEA. After that I got so sick I couldn't stand, and I didn't feel better til after I threw up, twice. (I hate being sick >.<) Then when my stomach was feeling good enough to eat, I basically went crazy all day and ate everything I could get my hands on. Fuck.
So I have a new rule for myself: no more full day fasts. From now on, when I fast, it will be from dinner one night to dinner the next night, because my body just can't handle sleeping on that empty of a stomach.
Other than all that, I was really please with fasting. I felt so strong, like I was finally in control. I guess with me I either eat everything or I eat nothing. I don't know. I'll figure something out.

Fasting update

It's now almost 7:30, and I still haven't eaten. I had some tea before I left work, and the box didn't say how many calories were in it (what the fuck? I thought that was a law!), but there's no way it was enough to mess up my day. I mean, it was just tea. Oh, and I had a piece of sugarfree gum (5 kcal), because I was cleaning out my purse and it was the last stick in the box. So I'm doing okay. I just have to make it til bedtime, and make sure I don't eat anything while I'm here at my boyfriend's house (He's doing homework right now, which is why I'm writing this). I used his bathroom scale, and I'm at 122.2. Ugh. But I guess I've got to start somewhere.
This is really hard for me because a part of me wants him to force me to eat, you know? I didn't even actually get hungry til about an hour ago, but now I just want to eat something. But I want control even more. I need to get some control over my life, and that starts with taking control over myself.

Fasting

I'm attempting my first real fast today. Nothing but beverages. I had a dairy free coffee drink this morning (Stupid me forgot to look at the label so I don't know how many calories >.< ), and now nothing but water for the rest of the day. Maybe I'll have a diet soda or some tea later. I'm going to my boyfriends house later, so that will be tough, but I'll just tell him that I don't feel good. That should work.
This is my first real fast. I used to make sure to fast for 12 hours every night, but I don't really count that. I'm only fasting for one day, but still. You have to start somewhere. I would shoot for two days but I don't want to push it, plus I'm going to a theatre workshop tomorrow and I'm going to need my energy for that.
So why now, after weeks of slacking and eating whatever I want, did I suddenly decide to fast? Well, yesterday, I felt great. I had an amazing day. Then this morning, everything went to shit as soon as I woke up. So I figured, fuck it. What's the point of trying to accept myself and be happy when I'm never going to get anywhere? Instead of trying to like myself the way I am, I'm going to try to turn myself into something I like. It seems a lot more logical to me.
So here I go. My first ever fast. I'll try to post tomorrow or tonight about how it went, along with my CW. (Somewhere in the 120 range, but idk where). Wish me luck.

I'm a mess

I need to do something. I can't keep being like this. Looking like this. It's disgusting. I need a plan.
Hmm...well, with going vegan and all I kind of need to focus on what my intake is, not the amount. So maybe I shouldn't restrict until I get the hang of veganism. I think as far as food goes I'm just going to focus on eating healthier for now. (Which I'm already doing, as a side-effect of going vegan)
I think for now I'm just going to focus on working out. Every fucking day. Cardio whenever possible, strength moves (push-ups, planks, triceps, squats, lunges, etc) and yoga and stretching every night (cause who doesn't want to be more flexible?) And I'll be drinking water religiously. I need to get back into my old good habits. I've been bad. It's time to get back on top of things.

I'm falling apart

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't stand the sight of myself. I'm disgusting. And here's the thing-it's not my weight that's bothering me. yeah, I mean, I could lose a few pounds (10-20) but that won't fix my face. I will never be pretty. I will never be one of those beautiful girls I've always wanted to be. I'll never be a model. My face is just...gross. Makeup can only fix so much, you know?
I want to get a nose job, but I can't afford it. I want to tear the skin off of my face with my fingernails. I'm disgusting. I hate myself. I hate myself for all of the things that I will never be. I'll never be perfect. I'll never even be good enough. Not for myself, anyway.
My nose is too big, my eyes are too small, my skin isn't fair, my face is fat, my arms are fat, my stomach is fat, my thighs are fat...my hair is a mess, my voice is too deep, I'm too short...I'm just a mess. And I don't have the energy or the resources to do anything about it.
Fuck.
*sigh*
In other news, going vegan is pretty great. I'm not always entirely vegan (I still live at home so I don't have that much of a choice) but I've been eating vegetarian almost perfectly (Except on day my mom made fish for dinner and there was no alternative option. So I ate it). I'm really happy about it. My standard breakfast is usually a piece of toast with peanut butter and a banana, then lunch..at work I have a lettuce wrap, at school I usually have some kind of salad, then dinner is really a toss-up. If I'm out with a friend I'll have a veggie sub from subway or a crunch wrap from taco bell with beans and no cheese or sour cream, or if we get pizza I just get half with veggies and no cheese. At home I kind of have to eat whatever we're having, but we eat vegetarian a lot anyway, so it's all good. I was at work the other day and I had cramps, and I told my boyfriend I didn't feel good, so he brought me a little thing of coconut milk ice cream! He's such a sweetie. I really don't deserve him.
But yeah. It's really not so hard to stop eating animal products. And I'm a lot happier with my food choices now, because I'm eating healthier without even trying, and I don't really mind if I'm eating more calories (I eat a lot of peanut butter O.O) because 1. All (most) of the calories I'm eating are healthy, and 2. I'd rather have a higher calorie vegan diet than a low-calorie diet that promotes the abuse, neglect, and exploitation of animals for the sake of our own selfishness.
Sorry, got a bit preachy there. If you're interested in veganism, look up lauraacanfly on youtube (That's her lifestyle channel. I also highly recommend you check out her mental health channel, laura lejeune). I love her to death, and she's really helped to change the way I see the world.
Well that went off on a tangent. I'm just gonna leave now before I start rambling again. I hope you guys are doing okay (all four of you following this blog lol. Assuming you're actually reading it haha)

New priorities

I'm going vegan! Seeing as I still live at home, I may not be able to eat completely vegan all the time, so in those cases I'll settle for vegetarian, but my goal is to eat entirely vegan whenever possible. I was watching videos about the meat and dairy industry and there's no way I'll feel right about eating animal products ever again.
Other than that, I don't know. I haven't been restricting lately, but I also haven't binged, so that's good I guess? I'm just having so much trouble trying to care about anything lately.


I just wrote like 5 paragraphs but the internet derped out and I lost it. I am not happy.

Anyway, long story short, I still wish I was perfect. I am not even close. That is all.

I'm tired

I know I haven't been posting. I'm just so tired. I have no motivation. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't care about anything. Not food, not exercise, not school or work or music. I don't ever want to get out of bed. I can't handle this. I haven't been doing anything.
I'll try to write more regularly when I figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. Until then, stay safe, guys, and be strong.

Bla la la la la

I have been slacking lately. So today I'm getting back on it (slowly). So far I've had one scrambled egg (90) with rye toast (120-what the fuck kind of bread is that shit! I swear to God my mom buys the most calorie dense shit possible, considering a regular slice of rye is around 70 kcal!) two sugar free life savers (15), a caramel (75-I knowww..but we have them here at work and I couldn't resist cause I'm a fat lard), chicken noodle soup for lunch (130) with crackers (70) and my fiber one lemon bar (90). So far I'm at 590 for the day. Not great, but not too terrible if I eat a really small dinner and work out. And I suppose it's better to eat a little bit more and not binge then to restrict too much and binge. But then, it's a fine line, because if I don't eat enough, I want to binge. But if I eat too much, then I want to binge more. It's tough to find that middle ground.
Or maybe I'm just making excuses for myself. I feel like I always justify my bullshit, no matter what it is. But what if I am the problem here? After all, the only thing all my problems have in common is me. So it only makes sense to assume that I'm the problem. But what do I know?
I want to binge...ugh, what is wrong with me? I fucking hate this shit. I'm so pathetic. I piss myself off.
It's a vicious circle. I binge, I feel bad about myself, get upset, which makes me binge. And I don't know how to break out of this. Restricting is a lot easier when I feel good about myself, and feeling good about myself is a lot easier when I restrict. But I don't want to set my goals too high because then I feel bad about myself when I fail. And I've been down that road; it's not a pretty picture.
Maybe I should just set a smaller goal. I'll focus on drinking more water and working in more exercise, and not worry about changing my intake for a while. I should be okay.
But McDonald's is right next door...it would be so easy.
FUCK.
NO.
What the hell is wrong with me? I refuse to be that weak! I am better than this. I know I am. Or at least, I know I could be.
Random thought: I just saw Big Hero 6 recently. I highly recommend it. It's adorable.
Other random thought: I also saw Deadpool. Twice. I highly recommend that as well. As long as you aren't sensitive to vulgarity, language, violence, or nudity. If you're okay with all of those, watch it, because it's the funniest thing ever.
Anyway, this has been my cluster-fuck of a brain today. Hopefully I have something more interesting to say tomorrow.

I am boring + thinspo

Nothing real eventful over the past few days. I'm trying to work in more exercise. I've been dancing a bit. I'm also getting back to my music. I played my guitar the other day. That was nice. I got my corset, so I'm breaking that in slowly. And I weighed at my boyfriend's house a bunch of times, but before we went to dinner I was at 117.8, so that's what I'm sticking with because the teeny gain from the next morning was just food weight. And that's it. I feel bad about having nothing to say, so I'll leave you with some thinspo and try to be more exciting in the future.
Today's theme: scene!

My day

So yesterday I did good without trying or counting at all! I even treated myself to some french fries (my weakness) when I was out with my friend, and I decided to add up my intake, and even if I round up and assume everything has way more calories than it actually does, I'm still in the 800-1000 range! And I didn't even try! I'm so happy! Plus I wore my waist cincher all day yesterday and a lot of the day today (I may go put it back on) and my belly is flattening from the pressure. Good because after work I'm going to go celebrate Valentine's day with my boyfriend. Gotta be skinny for that. :)
Today I had a breakfast sub from subway (around 300, but I'll say 350 just to be safe), a fiber one lemon bar (90 kcal-and I LOVE lemon!) and right now I'm having morracan mint green tea. I love it. It's so good it doesn't need any sweetener. Then after work we are going to b dubs...not great, but it's where he wanted to go. I'll find something half decent there. Besides, we'll work it off later ;) Get it? That means we're gonna FUCK! XD
Oh my god I'm ridiculous. I'm actually laughing at myself.
I'm in good spirits today. This pleases me. I'm going to weigh at my boyfriend's house-let's hope that doesn't ruin my mood.

FAT PEOPLE ARE SABATOGING ME

Seriously! If I were left to my own devices, I would do great! I'd lose weight, work out, and have my shit together. But no. Every time I start to do good, some person shoves a piece of sugar-crusted lard pie in my face. The second I start a workout, I'm interrupted for some bullshit reason. It's FUCKING ANNOYING. 
Anyway. I know this is short, but my life is boring, so, this is all you get for now. Have a thinspo.

Wow!

I just saw a thread on MPA about the easiest way to achieve a lower BMI, like the amount of calories, and everyone is saying that they reached their lowest weight and got super low BMIs by eating around 1000 calories a day. It takes longer, but apparently it works the best. That's crazy! Here I was afraid I would barely maintain on 1000, but then I looked it up and apparently I need to eat between 1100 and 1400 calories a day to LOSE WEIGHT. That's ridiculous! I'll DEFINITELY lose on 1000 per day. And it will be a lot easier to maintain. If I aim for between 800 and 1200 calories a day (average at 1000 but never lower or higher than 800 or 1200) then I should be able to lose pretty steady!
I am pleased with this information. Everyone was saying that they binge less on a higher intake; sounds promising. Even better, some of them have maintained their weight for YEARS. This is seriously amazing news. I've been thinking I'm a fatass this whole time eating so much, but that's just because of all the fad pro ana diets like the ABC diet floating around.
I am sooooo happy now. Perhaps there is hope for me after all.
Here. Have a thinspo.

Quick update + thinspo

I am feeling better. I'll see if I can keep it up. I should be able to stay under 1000 today unless I binge terribly. I'm shooting for 800. I don't know what we are having for dinner, so I can't really estimate. We'll see.
But for now, let's start the morning with some thinspo!
Today's theme: my perfect body.

Relapsing?

My mind is going to bad places. I'm tired all the time. I don't have motivation. I don't enjoy things. I barely even sing anymore (which, if you knew me, you'd know I love more than anything). I hardly even listen to music. I'm finding it so hard to care about anything. I'm thinking about cutting again. I know I shouldn't, but I don't care. I just think it might make me feel better. Calmer. But then, I am calm. I'm perfectly calm. I'm too calm. I feel like I'm brain dead.
I just want to sleep. Go to sleep and stay asleep, and not wake up til I'm 25.

Upping my intake?

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I've been doing okay but then as soon as I eat I want to eat more and more. It's ridiculous. I'll do fabulous all day and then at dinner I'll eat like a pig. And when I try to stop myself I fuck up even worse than if I had given in in the first place. I don't think I'm emotional eating, but I suppose that could be it. My emotions have taken a shit lately. It's terrible. I feel awful about myself. I can barely stand to look in the mirror. My face is so fat and gross. The solution to that would be to stop fucking eating, but I can't. I get depressed and I eat even more.
I don't know. Maybe I should give in. I should be grateful that I can eat, you know? I mean, I get hit with intense guilt and shame and self-hatred when I do, but I don't have panic attacks when I take in extra calories. Maybe I should consider it a good thing that I can eat what I want and still be able to breathe.
But still. Even if I up my intake to that of a normal person (umm, no), I want to eat healthier. I've been working on that for a while. Maybe I'll stop counting calories temporarily. I mean, I'll count the calories in each thing I eat, but I won't keep a total. Then I can decide if the food is worth the calories, instead of feeling guilty about it. Example: I just had apple slices and peanut butter for lunch (one of the few healthy options my college offers). Peanut butter has a million calories (just under 100 per tablespoon) and it's loaded with fat, but it's also one of the healthiest things you can eat. So yeah, my intake for the day is already at 450 (I had an egg on a piece of rye toast for breakfast), but it's been a particularly healthy day. Does that make sense? Or am I just making excuses for my eating habits?
I don't know. The problem inspiring this whole post is that I just had lunch and I'm still hungry, and I'm sitting in a cafeteria. And my next class doesn't start until 3:00. I don't know what to do about this.
Am I being too hard on myself? I know I tend to have extremely high expectations for myself, but maybe I'm just trying to move too fast. Maybe I should hold off on starting a new diet and go back to my 1000 calorie per day limit. I think it is a good limit for me for the moment. And in the past, I've found that when I try to restrict too quickly is when I start binging like crazy. Maybe I should just take it slow and steady. After all, maintaining a 1000 per day intake is better than an 800 per day intake with a 2000 calorie binge every other day. I suppose I won't lose as fast, but at least I'll be able to keep it off.
I guess that's all for now. I need to do some homework, but I may post again later.

Eh... + thinspo

I did terrible yesterday. I got home and ate piles of food. Ugh. But I'm doing good today. I'm at 345 calories for the day, and it's almost 4:00. I get off work at 6:00, so as long as I eat a reasonable dinner, I'll definitely be under my limit for the day (900). Not to mention it's been a very active day at work today. We've been setting up merchandise and taking other stuff down (I work in retail), so there's been a lot of physical activity, which I'm happy about. I think today will be alright.
In other news, I'm getting a corset! My boyfriends mom got a great deal on hers so she got me one too. :) I'm happy I get to start waist training soon.
I suppose that's all for now. I may go to the gym tonight. If I don't, I'll try to work out some at home. I finished the first season of True Blood, so I'll have to find something else to pass the time. (Regarding that show: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK).
Sorry this has been a short post, but I don't have anything to say really, so I'll leave you with some thinspo. This is an alternative model named Luci Fallen (theluciferfallen) and I love her modeling style and her body.

Maybe I'm not a failure? + Goals

I didn't binge yet. I'm still at work. I am slightly pleased with myself because I bought some soup and ate that instead of all the nasty greasy shit I was craving. Still not a great choice, but it was flavorful enough to kill my cravings and filling enough to hold me over so I won't binge. I don't know what I'm going to do after I get off work though. But it's meh. I'll figure it out. I'll probably overeat a bit but I'm going to do my best to eat as little as possible for the rest of the day. After all, I'm not actually hungry. Not stomach hungry anyway. I think my soul could use a little nourishment, but that's not what food is for. That's what music is for. :)
Anyhoot. Tomorrow I'm starting the "healthy" skinny girl diet. I'm hoping it will help me ease back into restricting. I'm happy because for Valentine's Day I convinced my boyfriend not to go out to dinner because it's too overdone (told you I'm a hipster lol). Instead we are going ice skating and to see Star Wars again. I mean, we've both seen it, but not together. I'm happy that I get to avoid the whole restaurant thing. blech. And we get to go ice skating, which is a little like a workout. So that's good.
I just...I've been really dissatisfied with myself lately. I feel so ugly and unlovable. I'm doing what I can but there's only so much I can do, you know? I just wish my hair would grow faster. I think I'll feel better once my hair is at the point I want it to be. And when spring comes I think I'm going to clean out my wardrobe and buy new clothes that I don't despise.
I have a lot to do in my life before I'll be satisfied. And it's not just about losing weight. I mean, that's a big part of it, but it's not everything. Because I don't just want to be skinny. I want to be the kind of person I can be happy about being. So, here's a list of goals I want to achieve this year, either beauty related or life related.

• Improve makeup game. (Unfortunately this requires buying a lot of shit)
• Lose 10-15 lbs (after that I'll reevaluate and decide if I want to lose more).
• Grow hair out, dye black. 
• Begin waist training (hoping for at least a 25 inch waist by the end of the year with corset training and weight loss combined. Not sure how fast waist training will shrink me)
• Build a modeling portfolio
• clean room/move into new room (my brother moved out a while back and I have yet to move into his old room)
• Learn to drive/get license/buy car
• Write more music (in general)
• Start YouTube channel
• Begin performing (there are a few coffee shops around)
• Take voice lessons (which may or may not be payed for by my scholarship xD)
• Get tattoos (2 more this year)
• learn to cook (kinda random, but I think my boyfriend might appreciate it. Then I would also be able to control my own diet)

So there ya go. I'm an ambitious little fuck, aren't I? We'll see how it goes.

Not a good day

I'm stressed out, angry, irritable, completely ashamed, and just mentally exhausted. I got home last night and I stuffed my face like the little fatty that I am. I refused to go out with my friend because after doing my makeup I looked so bad I couldn't bear to look at my own reflection, let alone go out in public. I'm basically disgusting. I caught sight of my reflection in my computer monitor and I started to cry. It was that bad. I could barely do my makeup this morning, but I had to because I wasn't going to come to work looking like that. I look tolerable I guess. I don't know. I'm avoiding mirrors. I just...fuck. I forgot how much it hurts to hate myself like this. I guess I had just gotten used to it. But for some reason it just hit me hard yesterday. Then I woke up this morning and had cake for breakfast (disgusting, I know. What the fuck.) and I haven't eaten since. But the money in my wallet is begging me to go over to McDonald's, buy everything, and fucking stress eat.
Maybe I will. I don't know. What's the point anyway? I literally started my day by eating cake, and my mom is making junk for dinner, so today has been fucked since 9:00 this morning. And even if I binge again, who cares? I already hate myself.
I don't know. Today is just a terrible day. I'll be better tomorrow.

Note to self:

don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don'tbingedon'tbingedon'tbingedon'tbingePLEASEDON'TBINGE...
Oh my god. The only thing I can think about right now is going to McDonalds, or how I can't wait to get home so I can eat and thinking about what we have to eat at home. I can't stop thinking at food. I'm going to collect thinspo and chug water until I drown.
Dear self,
Please don't eat.

I suck but it's not my fault this time

I had to go grocery shopping this morning with my obese mother. Ugh. I had my breakfast sub from subway, which I know isn't a great choice, but it's the best option I have. And it's mostly vegetables, so. According to Google, it's about 320 calories. Not great, but since I'm easing into restricting anyway, not terrible. But that wasn't the problem. The problem was MY FAT ASS FUCKING MOTHER BOUGHT PACZKIS AND MY FAT ASS ATE THEM! They were lemon...I love lemon...and I fucking at two of them, at 330 calories each. So I literally hit my calorie limit by 9:30 this morning. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....I'm sitting here at work just downing water and trying to figure out how to fix it. I think when I take my lunch I'll work out. And I know that fasting in response to a binge is supposed to be bad but fuuuuuuuuck. I have to eat dinner when I get home too! And there are two more of those goddamn glorified donuts sitting at home. A huge part of me wants to give up and binge since today is fucked anyway, but no. Nobody ever did anything by giving up. Besides, why would I try to do better tomorrow when I can do better today? Right now? Exactly. So that's what I shall do. I guess I'll just work out when I can, drink water til I explode, and eat as little as I can get away with when I get home. And as soon as I can I'll sneak away to my bed and watch True Blood. (Man I love that show. And Sookie is hot.)
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
(that was a sigh. Think about it. Sighing is totally an H sound.)
Anyway, I guess that's that for now. I'll post some thinspo.

Fake it til you make it

I got a waist cincher!It sucks in all of my fat and I love it. I can wear it under my clothes and it's like a constant reminder not to eat and why not to eat. It's super tight, but not for long.

It doesn't do anything for my fat legs, but my sweater covers my thighs, so.
I almost can't bear to post that pic...ugh. Don't judge me, I know I'm fat. I just wanted to show off the waist cincher.
Anyway, now I can pretend to be skinnier than I actually am until I actually am skinny. *shrug*. And since it has three rows of fasteners I'll be able to wear it for a while. So that's good. It's also improving my posture, and I'm hoping it will help me get used to the feeling so when I buy my corsets it won't feel so weird. I'm actually starting to like wearing it.
Speaking of my fat little self, I'm doing terrible today. My mom made breakfast burritos, and I had to eat one (she has this weird thing about breakfast. Like, I have to eat it no matter what). At least I got to assemble my own so I could regulate how much of everything was on it, but still, it came to about 425 calories! God, that's disgusting. Last year I ate less than that A DAY. What the fuck.
Anyway, I'm just going to have a light yogurt for lunch (90) and drink tons of water. If I'm absolutely dying before I get off work, I'll eat my granola bar. But if I can make it, I won't eat anything til dinner. But we're having pasta! Ugh! I'll have to see how little I can get away with eating in front of my obese family. Then some green tea then off to bed to watch more True Blood (I just started it! So good). That should keep me at a decent intake for the day. I'll work out if I get the chance.
Well, that's it for now. Ta ta.

Stereotyping myself!

I feel like I'm doing good today. I'm at 490 for the day so far and I'm going to the gym at 5:00 (as soon as I get out of class). It's the first time I've been to the gym in a while. I need it. We won't do much (my gym buddy is lazy but it's okay. She gets me in for free as a guest and I get to work out after she quits to go tan) but that's okay. I don't mind. I'm trying not to expect too much of myself too fast. That's what always fucks me up in the first place.
So, I found an old blog about goth culture and I was reading about all the sub genres of goth and wow. There are a lot. I was curious because gothicness fascinates me, and people always think I'm goth or scene when they meet me. And I decided that whilst I am decidedly alternative, I am not goth, because no matter how much I do or aspire to dress gothic, I don't listen to goth music at all, and goth culture is derived from the music, just like punk, metal, grunge, and emo-which is derived from emocore, you dumbass kids who think saying "rawr" and self-harming makes you emo! Self-harm is not a trend you little shits!
But I digress.
Anyway, so based off of that, I'm either indie, alternative, or hipster. Alternative: yes. Indie: a little. Hipster: Hmm...
So here's the thing. I've been called hipster a lot because I like to steer away from things that are popular. I prefer more obscure-well, anything really. Music, movies, books, style. It's just what I do. Obscure stuff tends to be better because it doesn't survive off of reputation alone. For this reason, I am labeled a hipster, always in a derogatory manner.
So here's my question: When did "hipster" become a bad thing?
Let's analyze that, shall we? "Hipsters" are labeled as such because they steer away from mainstream culture of any kind, and prefer to follow their own course. They are trendsetters. Why is that so bad?
I suppose in some ways, it can be bad. Back in the olden days when I was 15 (all those four years ago lol) I used to rebel against conformity, not because I did what I enjoyed, but because I wanted to be different. I rebelled for the sake of rebellion, rather than to be happy. And that's stupid. Maybe that's why "hipster" is seen as such a negative term. Confused, antisocial teenagers attempting to be different because they refuse to be the same.
Now, if one of you is reading this, take this advice from a recovered anti-conformist: it's not worth it. I found myself refusing to do things I enjoyed and refusing to talk to people who I saw as "popular", because I assumed they must be bad people. And in my narrow-minded self-righteousness, I lost a lot of opportunities to do things I may have made me happy. I graduated high school last year with few friends, all of which are gone now because I realized how hateful they are. And I used to be one of them. I don't miss anyone from high school because I refused to get to know them. And I graduated in a class of 87 kids. Only one lasting friend, and we weren't friends in high school!
My philosophy summed up in one sentence: Life is too short to not sing along to a catchy Taylor Swift song.
Even if you dislike her as much as I do. I love to sing. And when "Shake it Off" comes on, I belt that shit. And I'm infinitely happier because of it.
So now, I aim to do what I want. Sometimes it's mainstream and "conformist", most of the time it's obscure and different. For those reasons, I suppose I'm proud to call myself a "hipster".

I'm weak + stats

Or at least, I want to be weak. I don't know. I haven't done so great today. It's 4:47pm and I'm already at 610 calories. But I suppose if I go easy on dinner I'll be okay. My goal for the week is to stay under 1000 a day, then on Monday I'll start the healthy skinny girl diet. I think I can do this. The problem is, my brain is sabotaging me. My stomach is not hungry. But my brain desperately wants to use the $1 in my wallet to march over to McDonald's and buy cookies. But I won't. I refuse to give in. I'm half tempted to walk over and buy a coffee, just to get rid of the excess money. But you know what? I won't. I refuse to. I've already eaten more than I intended today. So I'm going to sit here and drink my water and not give in to the dumbass that is my appetite. Because I'm not hungry. Just bored and emotional.

I found that pic years ago when I first decided to lose weight. It's so useful for absolutely anybody trying to lose weight. Especially in this country where everyone is obese. Ugh.
Anyway, I haven't been able to weigh myself, but I measured this morning and here are my stats as well as I can remember.

Height: 5'4''
Weight: 120 lbs* (Just an estimate I was around there last time I weighed)
BMI: 20.6 (assuming I weight 120)
Waist: 26.5 inches
Stomach: 32 inches (I have a bulge :( )
Hips: 36 inches (Upper hips, around hipbones)

I didn't have time to do full measurements, that's all I got. But still, it's something to reference. My current goals are to lose about 10 lbs, a 30 inch stomach, and a 25 inch waist (before waist training. After waist training I want about a 22 inch waist). I'm keeping my goals modest for the moment, then when I reach them I'll set new ones.
Other physical goals:

• toned arms (especially underneath-my flab won't go away!)
• thigh gap (almost there actually! I barely have to cheat at all to get one.)
• toned ass (It's gotten smaller as I lose weight-not acceptable! Must build up the booty!)
• Flat belly (duh)
• slim neck and face (I have a double chin! And I'm so jealous of girls with those perfectly defined jawlines and cheekbones.)
• Grow hair out (I had a pixie for four years and it's growing out very awkwardly. I just want it long and healthy so I can dye it back to black!)
• Improve makeup game :P

I basically want to be perfect. I know that's ridiculous, but it's what I want. And I will get it. 

Captian Jack Sparrow lied to me

Rum is not good. It most definitely is bad, as a matter of fact, no matter how good it tastes (particularly with a blueberry soda lol) or how fun it is to drink. It is not good. It causes problems, such as fighting with your friends fiance in front of your boyfriend because he wanted to see your boobs and you said no. It also causes said fiance to throw up everywhere and you to have no memory of what happened when you wake up, so you hear all this from your boyfriend...
Yes. That was my weekend. That was Saturday night. Sunday I was so hungry from getting drunk the night before (that's just how alcohol affects me, I don't know why) that I ate everything. Then Monday Mother Nature decided to inform me that I was not pregnant in the most unpleasant way possible (useful information, unpleasant message), so I literally just ate everything. Actually no, I did okay at work, but then we got pizza for dinner and I ate so much.
Anyway. So due to my past couple days of being fucking disgusting, I am not going to post stats like I said I would. I don't know my current stats because I was too afraid to measure. I'll try to measure and everything soon and post all my stats and goals. For now I'm just trying to recover from that mess.
Anyway, so this day was okay. I'm still trying to work my way back into restricting, so for now I'm just aiming for under 1000 calories, which I think I'll make today. I'm at 600 for the day so far. I'll have a snack before choir, then it's off home for a quick workout and shower. Then work tomorrow I'll be safe because I can stay busy for most of the day, which will keep me distracted.
Unfortunately for my little fatty self, I work directly next door to a McDonald's. So it's far too easy to just walk over and get a snack. But I've recently discovered that they sell Campbell's soup! And I looked up the nutrition facts online, and it's only 130 calories, which is really good I think for a big old cup of soup.
I'm not sure when I'm going to start reducing my intake. Within the next couple of weeks probably. Maybe I'll try to get down to 500 so I can start the skinny girl diet on March 1.
Actually, that's a great idea! I'll do the Healthy Skinny Girl Diet for now (but I'll count fruits and veggies too) then start the Skinny Girl Diet in March. After a month of that, I'll see if I can pull off the ABC Diet.
Good. I have a plan. I always feel better when I have a plan. I also need to find the time and energy to work out more often. But I'm just taking it one day at a time. We'll see.
I guess that's it for now. I'm gonna go get some "dinner" (meaning teensy weensy snack) and watch youtube.

Who exactly is the crazy one?

I am average. I am average intelligence, average talent, average looks, average weight. Average everything. Yet the people around me disagree. Take my boyfriend for example. He thinks I am beautiful and talented. A guy friend of mine doesn't understand me wanting to lose weight because I'm "already so skinny!" (And he has nudes of me, so he's seen it all). People I have never met message me on facebook begging me to add them because I'm so pretty. The people around me see me as this crazy amazing creature. But they are so wrong!
I'm not exceptional in any way. Yeah, maybe I'm not as bad at everything as I used to believe. But I am not good. I am average. Just average. They think I am crazy for believing this. But why don't they realize that I am the only one who is seeing clearly? I am not the crazy one, they are.
Is it because my expectations are too high? Or are their expectations too low?
It's ridiculous. Just because I am okay, they think I am great. But I'm not. I'm just okay. And I want to be so much more. I'm tired of being average. I want to be perfect.
I know it's unrealistic. Perfection does not exist. But I don't care. It's what I want, and nothing less than perfect is going to be good enough for me. I don't want to be pretty, I want to be flawless. I don't want to be skinny, I want to be weightless. I don't want to be talented-I want to be perfect. Nothing less is enough. Nothing less is acceptable.
Maybe I try too hard. But at the same time, I don't try hard enough. I know what I want and how to get there, but I don't have the energy to commit myself to doing it. I'm lazy. I could be skinnier. I could be prettier. I just don't try hard enough. To be honest, I'm not sure how to try any harder. But I'm learning. I'm searching for ways to try.
I know what I am. I'm your average small town girl with a big nose, a big voice, and a half-decent body. But I want more. And I know what I want to be. Perfect. Porcelain. Mysterious. Sexy, but in a flawless, untouchable way. I want to make people stop and stare.
And you know what? I will one day. I don't care how long it takes. Nothing is going to stop me.

So here's the thing...

I still live at home. It sucks, but I just don't have the means or the resources to move out at the moment. And my mom is fat. Not just by ana standards-she's literally obese. And she cooks. So I'm stuck eating the food she makes, with absolutely no idea of how many calories are in it. It's terrible.
I think I did okay yesterday. After I posted, I didn't eat til dinner, but dinner was chicken pot pie. Ughhhhhhh. I had one piece, and I was done eating by seven, so I had plenty of time to digest, but still, I hate not knowing my intake for the day. It sucks.
I think I'm going to have to have a pretty high intake for the day. But as I'm still working my way back down to restricting, I think that's okay. Besides, having varied intakes keeps your metabolism up. We'll see how it goes.
In other news, I'm looking into corset training. The website Corset Story is having a few sales right now, so I think I'm going to try it. I researched a ton, so I know how to do it safely, and I think it will really help with my waistline. Not to mention it makes it harder to eat, so it'll be even easier to eat less and less. :) I can't wait to start. I just need to order the ones I want first.
Other than that, nothing much is happening. I've been making sure that no matter what, I'm doing planks every day, and my belly is getting flatter. And my legs are slowly getting slimmer. But no matter what I do, I can't get my arms to shape up! They're so flabby, and it's disgusting. But I won a free givaway of these toning beauty products, so when they arrive I'll try them out and see if it helps. :/
It's just tough doing all this when I'm stuck at home in the lair of obesity. Everyone in my family is overweight and they all have terrible relationships with food. They eat so much, it's disgusting. And when I eat a normal amount, they think I'm crazy because I'm not stuffing my face. I can't tell them this, I just have to work around it. Hopefully I'll be getting out sometime this year. Until then, I just have to hide shit. It sucks. I don't even own a scale. I use my boyfriends whenever I go over there. In fact, I'm going over there tonight, so I'll post stats either tonight or tomorrow.
I guess that's it for now. I'm at work, but it's dead, so I'm going to catch up on homework. Stay strong everyone. Stay skinny. <3

Fun fact: A scientist did a study to prove that lower calories is the key to losing weight, so he ate a super low calorie diet of junk food like twinkies and shit, and he lost 20 pounds...just sayin...

Intro

Hi...I have no idea how this works and I'm nervous as hell about this...soooo...this is going to be pretty pathetic (predictably).
I guess I'll start with a disclaimer (even though I really don't give a shit). I am pro ana, as is this blog. If that's a problem for whatever fucking reason, leave now.
I swear a lot. I'm bisexual. I'm opinionated. I'm pretty much guaranteed to offend you in some way. If that's a problem, leave.
My life is incredibly boring. I do nothing. I have nothing to say. So this will basically be me bitching about the stuff that goes on inside my head. So seriously. If you don't like it, leave now.
Anyway, moving on. I'm 19. I've never had an eating disorder, nor will I ever have one. I haven't been diagnosed with anything ever. But I want to lose weight, and the only method that has ever worked for me is intense restricting. I love anything pro ana. Regular people's opinions of thinspo are always like, really fat. Have you ever noticed that?
Random person: Omg she's so skinny thinspo!
Me: She looks like me. She's a fat fucking cow. Wtf.
That's literally me inside my head whenever the average girl talks about weight. Or they'll be all "Ugh, she's way too thin," and I'm sitting here thinking, "She'd be so pretty if she lost a little more weight..."
Basically, my standards are way beyond your average person's. Ideally, I eat less than your average person (although I tend to binge-ughhhhh) and I think very differently than your average person. Hence I consider myself pro ana. Although I suck at it, hence I use the name "wannabe".
I basically suck at everything I attempt to do. Although other people think I'm good at them, so I'm like, "Okay, whatever. Might as well do shit."
Anywayyyyyyyyy...I don't really have anything else to say. I'm trying to get back into restricting after a long period of trying to be "healthy". So for today I'm at about 360 calories for the day. I have school til 5:00, so I figure no matter what I eat for dinner, as long as I don't eat after dinner I'm safe. We shall see.
Note: I only have internet access at school and work, not at home, so my posts will be sporadic, if anyone cares.
I just realized I've been rambling like crazy and I never really introduced myself. Hi. I'm me. I like music and singing, and I want to be an alternative model (maybe when I lose the weight... *crosses fingers*). I draw and write as well. I write poetry, music, and novels. Anything else there is to know about me, I suppose I'll say in some future post.
So I'm going to abandon this cluster fuck of an intro. I have nothing to say as an exit, so I'll leave this here.

"I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control. I want a perfect body-I want a perfect soul..."