I'm falling apart

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't stand the sight of myself. I'm disgusting. And here's the thing-it's not my weight that's bothering me. yeah, I mean, I could lose a few pounds (10-20) but that won't fix my face. I will never be pretty. I will never be one of those beautiful girls I've always wanted to be. I'll never be a model. My face is just...gross. Makeup can only fix so much, you know?
I want to get a nose job, but I can't afford it. I want to tear the skin off of my face with my fingernails. I'm disgusting. I hate myself. I hate myself for all of the things that I will never be. I'll never be perfect. I'll never even be good enough. Not for myself, anyway.
My nose is too big, my eyes are too small, my skin isn't fair, my face is fat, my arms are fat, my stomach is fat, my thighs are fat...my hair is a mess, my voice is too deep, I'm too short...I'm just a mess. And I don't have the energy or the resources to do anything about it.
Fuck.
*sigh*
In other news, going vegan is pretty great. I'm not always entirely vegan (I still live at home so I don't have that much of a choice) but I've been eating vegetarian almost perfectly (Except on day my mom made fish for dinner and there was no alternative option. So I ate it). I'm really happy about it. My standard breakfast is usually a piece of toast with peanut butter and a banana, then lunch..at work I have a lettuce wrap, at school I usually have some kind of salad, then dinner is really a toss-up. If I'm out with a friend I'll have a veggie sub from subway or a crunch wrap from taco bell with beans and no cheese or sour cream, or if we get pizza I just get half with veggies and no cheese. At home I kind of have to eat whatever we're having, but we eat vegetarian a lot anyway, so it's all good. I was at work the other day and I had cramps, and I told my boyfriend I didn't feel good, so he brought me a little thing of coconut milk ice cream! He's such a sweetie. I really don't deserve him.
But yeah. It's really not so hard to stop eating animal products. And I'm a lot happier with my food choices now, because I'm eating healthier without even trying, and I don't really mind if I'm eating more calories (I eat a lot of peanut butter O.O) because 1. All (most) of the calories I'm eating are healthy, and 2. I'd rather have a higher calorie vegan diet than a low-calorie diet that promotes the abuse, neglect, and exploitation of animals for the sake of our own selfishness.
Sorry, got a bit preachy there. If you're interested in veganism, look up lauraacanfly on youtube (That's her lifestyle channel. I also highly recommend you check out her mental health channel, laura lejeune). I love her to death, and she's really helped to change the way I see the world.
Well that went off on a tangent. I'm just gonna leave now before I start rambling again. I hope you guys are doing okay (all four of you following this blog lol. Assuming you're actually reading it haha)