Bla la la la la

I have been slacking lately. So today I'm getting back on it (slowly). So far I've had one scrambled egg (90) with rye toast (120-what the fuck kind of bread is that shit! I swear to God my mom buys the most calorie dense shit possible, considering a regular slice of rye is around 70 kcal!) two sugar free life savers (15), a caramel (75-I knowww..but we have them here at work and I couldn't resist cause I'm a fat lard), chicken noodle soup for lunch (130) with crackers (70) and my fiber one lemon bar (90). So far I'm at 590 for the day. Not great, but not too terrible if I eat a really small dinner and work out. And I suppose it's better to eat a little bit more and not binge then to restrict too much and binge. But then, it's a fine line, because if I don't eat enough, I want to binge. But if I eat too much, then I want to binge more. It's tough to find that middle ground.
Or maybe I'm just making excuses for myself. I feel like I always justify my bullshit, no matter what it is. But what if I am the problem here? After all, the only thing all my problems have in common is me. So it only makes sense to assume that I'm the problem. But what do I know?
I want to binge...ugh, what is wrong with me? I fucking hate this shit. I'm so pathetic. I piss myself off.
It's a vicious circle. I binge, I feel bad about myself, get upset, which makes me binge. And I don't know how to break out of this. Restricting is a lot easier when I feel good about myself, and feeling good about myself is a lot easier when I restrict. But I don't want to set my goals too high because then I feel bad about myself when I fail. And I've been down that road; it's not a pretty picture.
Maybe I should just set a smaller goal. I'll focus on drinking more water and working in more exercise, and not worry about changing my intake for a while. I should be okay.
But McDonald's is right next door...it would be so easy.
FUCK.
NO.
What the hell is wrong with me? I refuse to be that weak! I am better than this. I know I am. Or at least, I know I could be.
Random thought: I just saw Big Hero 6 recently. I highly recommend it. It's adorable.
Other random thought: I also saw Deadpool. Twice. I highly recommend that as well. As long as you aren't sensitive to vulgarity, language, violence, or nudity. If you're okay with all of those, watch it, because it's the funniest thing ever.
Anyway, this has been my cluster-fuck of a brain today. Hopefully I have something more interesting to say tomorrow.