I know I haven't been posting. I'm just so tired. I have no motivation. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't care about anything. Not food, not exercise, not school or work or music. I don't ever want to get out of bed. I can't handle this. I haven't been doing anything.
I'll try to write more regularly when I figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. Until then, stay safe, guys, and be strong.
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Bla la la la la
I have been slacking lately. So today I'm getting back on it (slowly). So far I've had one scrambled egg (90) with rye toast (120-what the fuck kind of bread is that shit! I swear to God my mom buys the most calorie dense shit possible, considering a regular slice of rye is around 70 kcal!) two sugar free life savers (15), a caramel (75-I knowww..but we have them here at work and I couldn't resist cause I'm a fat lard), chicken noodle soup for lunch (130) with crackers (70) and my fiber one lemon bar (90). So far I'm at 590 for the day. Not great, but not too terrible if I eat a really small dinner and work out. And I suppose it's better to eat a little bit more and not binge then to restrict too much and binge. But then, it's a fine line, because if I don't eat enough, I want to binge. But if I eat too much, then I want to binge more. It's tough to find that middle ground.
Or maybe I'm just making excuses for myself. I feel like I always justify my bullshit, no matter what it is. But what if I am the problem here? After all, the only thing all my problems have in common is me. So it only makes sense to assume that I'm the problem. But what do I know?
I want to binge...ugh, what is wrong with me? I fucking hate this shit. I'm so pathetic. I piss myself off.
It's a vicious circle. I binge, I feel bad about myself, get upset, which makes me binge. And I don't know how to break out of this. Restricting is a lot easier when I feel good about myself, and feeling good about myself is a lot easier when I restrict. But I don't want to set my goals too high because then I feel bad about myself when I fail. And I've been down that road; it's not a pretty picture.
Maybe I should just set a smaller goal. I'll focus on drinking more water and working in more exercise, and not worry about changing my intake for a while. I should be okay.
But McDonald's is right next door...it would be so easy.
FUCK.
NO.
What the hell is wrong with me? I refuse to be that weak! I am better than this. I know I am. Or at least, I know I could be.
Random thought: I just saw Big Hero 6 recently. I highly recommend it. It's adorable.
Other random thought: I also saw Deadpool. Twice. I highly recommend that as well. As long as you aren't sensitive to vulgarity, language, violence, or nudity. If you're okay with all of those, watch it, because it's the funniest thing ever.
Anyway, this has been my cluster-fuck of a brain today. Hopefully I have something more interesting to say tomorrow.
Or maybe I'm just making excuses for myself. I feel like I always justify my bullshit, no matter what it is. But what if I am the problem here? After all, the only thing all my problems have in common is me. So it only makes sense to assume that I'm the problem. But what do I know?
I want to binge...ugh, what is wrong with me? I fucking hate this shit. I'm so pathetic. I piss myself off.
It's a vicious circle. I binge, I feel bad about myself, get upset, which makes me binge. And I don't know how to break out of this. Restricting is a lot easier when I feel good about myself, and feeling good about myself is a lot easier when I restrict. But I don't want to set my goals too high because then I feel bad about myself when I fail. And I've been down that road; it's not a pretty picture.
Maybe I should just set a smaller goal. I'll focus on drinking more water and working in more exercise, and not worry about changing my intake for a while. I should be okay.
But McDonald's is right next door...it would be so easy.
FUCK.
NO.
What the hell is wrong with me? I refuse to be that weak! I am better than this. I know I am. Or at least, I know I could be.
Random thought: I just saw Big Hero 6 recently. I highly recommend it. It's adorable.
Other random thought: I also saw Deadpool. Twice. I highly recommend that as well. As long as you aren't sensitive to vulgarity, language, violence, or nudity. If you're okay with all of those, watch it, because it's the funniest thing ever.
Anyway, this has been my cluster-fuck of a brain today. Hopefully I have something more interesting to say tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
I am boring + thinspo
Nothing real eventful over the past few days. I'm trying to work in more exercise. I've been dancing a bit. I'm also getting back to my music. I played my guitar the other day. That was nice. I got my corset, so I'm breaking that in slowly. And I weighed at my boyfriend's house a bunch of times, but before we went to dinner I was at 117.8, so that's what I'm sticking with because the teeny gain from the next morning was just food weight. And that's it. I feel bad about having nothing to say, so I'll leave you with some thinspo and try to be more exciting in the future.
Today's theme: scene!
Today's theme: scene!
Friday, February 12, 2016
My day
So yesterday I did good without trying or counting at all! I even treated myself to some french fries (my weakness) when I was out with my friend, and I decided to add up my intake, and even if I round up and assume everything has way more calories than it actually does, I'm still in the 800-1000 range! And I didn't even try! I'm so happy! Plus I wore my waist cincher all day yesterday and a lot of the day today (I may go put it back on) and my belly is flattening from the pressure. Good because after work I'm going to go celebrate Valentine's day with my boyfriend. Gotta be skinny for that. :)
Today I had a breakfast sub from subway (around 300, but I'll say 350 just to be safe), a fiber one lemon bar (90 kcal-and I LOVE lemon!) and right now I'm having morracan mint green tea. I love it. It's so good it doesn't need any sweetener. Then after work we are going to b dubs...not great, but it's where he wanted to go. I'll find something half decent there. Besides, we'll work it off later ;) Get it? That means we're gonna FUCK! XD
Oh my god I'm ridiculous. I'm actually laughing at myself.
I'm in good spirits today. This pleases me. I'm going to weigh at my boyfriend's house-let's hope that doesn't ruin my mood.
Today I had a breakfast sub from subway (around 300, but I'll say 350 just to be safe), a fiber one lemon bar (90 kcal-and I LOVE lemon!) and right now I'm having morracan mint green tea. I love it. It's so good it doesn't need any sweetener. Then after work we are going to b dubs...not great, but it's where he wanted to go. I'll find something half decent there. Besides, we'll work it off later ;) Get it? That means we're gonna FUCK! XD
Oh my god I'm ridiculous. I'm actually laughing at myself.
I'm in good spirits today. This pleases me. I'm going to weigh at my boyfriend's house-let's hope that doesn't ruin my mood.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
FAT PEOPLE ARE SABATOGING ME
Seriously! If I were left to my own devices, I would do great! I'd lose weight, work out, and have my shit together. But no. Every time I start to do good, some person shoves a piece of sugar-crusted lard pie in my face. The second I start a workout, I'm interrupted for some bullshit reason. It's FUCKING ANNOYING.
Anyway. I know this is short, but my life is boring, so, this is all you get for now. Have a thinspo.
Anyway. I know this is short, but my life is boring, so, this is all you get for now. Have a thinspo.
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Wow!
I just saw a thread on MPA about the easiest way to achieve a lower BMI, like the amount of calories, and everyone is saying that they reached their lowest weight and got super low BMIs by eating around 1000 calories a day. It takes longer, but apparently it works the best. That's crazy! Here I was afraid I would barely maintain on 1000, but then I looked it up and apparently I need to eat between 1100 and 1400 calories a day to LOSE WEIGHT. That's ridiculous! I'll DEFINITELY lose on 1000 per day. And it will be a lot easier to maintain. If I aim for between 800 and 1200 calories a day (average at 1000 but never lower or higher than 800 or 1200) then I should be able to lose pretty steady!
I am pleased with this information. Everyone was saying that they binge less on a higher intake; sounds promising. Even better, some of them have maintained their weight for YEARS. This is seriously amazing news. I've been thinking I'm a fatass this whole time eating so much, but that's just because of all the fad pro ana diets like the ABC diet floating around.
I am sooooo happy now. Perhaps there is hope for me after all.
Here. Have a thinspo.
I am pleased with this information. Everyone was saying that they binge less on a higher intake; sounds promising. Even better, some of them have maintained their weight for YEARS. This is seriously amazing news. I've been thinking I'm a fatass this whole time eating so much, but that's just because of all the fad pro ana diets like the ABC diet floating around.
I am sooooo happy now. Perhaps there is hope for me after all.
Here. Have a thinspo.
Quick update + thinspo
I am feeling better. I'll see if I can keep it up. I should be able to stay under 1000 today unless I binge terribly. I'm shooting for 800. I don't know what we are having for dinner, so I can't really estimate. We'll see.
But for now, let's start the morning with some thinspo!
Today's theme: my perfect body.
But for now, let's start the morning with some thinspo!
Today's theme: my perfect body.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Relapsing?
My mind is going to bad places. I'm tired all the time. I don't have motivation. I don't enjoy things. I barely even sing anymore (which, if you knew me, you'd know I love more than anything). I hardly even listen to music. I'm finding it so hard to care about anything. I'm thinking about cutting again. I know I shouldn't, but I don't care. I just think it might make me feel better. Calmer. But then, I am calm. I'm perfectly calm. I'm too calm. I feel like I'm brain dead.
I just want to sleep. Go to sleep and stay asleep, and not wake up til I'm 25.
I just want to sleep. Go to sleep and stay asleep, and not wake up til I'm 25.
Upping my intake?
I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I've been doing okay but then as soon as I eat I want to eat more and more. It's ridiculous. I'll do fabulous all day and then at dinner I'll eat like a pig. And when I try to stop myself I fuck up even worse than if I had given in in the first place. I don't think I'm emotional eating, but I suppose that could be it. My emotions have taken a shit lately. It's terrible. I feel awful about myself. I can barely stand to look in the mirror. My face is so fat and gross. The solution to that would be to stop fucking eating, but I can't. I get depressed and I eat even more.
I don't know. Maybe I should give in. I should be grateful that I can eat, you know? I mean, I get hit with intense guilt and shame and self-hatred when I do, but I don't have panic attacks when I take in extra calories. Maybe I should consider it a good thing that I can eat what I want and still be able to breathe.
But still. Even if I up my intake to that of a normal person (umm, no), I want to eat healthier. I've been working on that for a while. Maybe I'll stop counting calories temporarily. I mean, I'll count the calories in each thing I eat, but I won't keep a total. Then I can decide if the food is worth the calories, instead of feeling guilty about it. Example: I just had apple slices and peanut butter for lunch (one of the few healthy options my college offers). Peanut butter has a million calories (just under 100 per tablespoon) and it's loaded with fat, but it's also one of the healthiest things you can eat. So yeah, my intake for the day is already at 450 (I had an egg on a piece of rye toast for breakfast), but it's been a particularly healthy day. Does that make sense? Or am I just making excuses for my eating habits?
I don't know. The problem inspiring this whole post is that I just had lunch and I'm still hungry, and I'm sitting in a cafeteria. And my next class doesn't start until 3:00. I don't know what to do about this.
Am I being too hard on myself? I know I tend to have extremely high expectations for myself, but maybe I'm just trying to move too fast. Maybe I should hold off on starting a new diet and go back to my 1000 calorie per day limit. I think it is a good limit for me for the moment. And in the past, I've found that when I try to restrict too quickly is when I start binging like crazy. Maybe I should just take it slow and steady. After all, maintaining a 1000 per day intake is better than an 800 per day intake with a 2000 calorie binge every other day. I suppose I won't lose as fast, but at least I'll be able to keep it off.
I guess that's all for now. I need to do some homework, but I may post again later.
I don't know. Maybe I should give in. I should be grateful that I can eat, you know? I mean, I get hit with intense guilt and shame and self-hatred when I do, but I don't have panic attacks when I take in extra calories. Maybe I should consider it a good thing that I can eat what I want and still be able to breathe.
But still. Even if I up my intake to that of a normal person (umm, no), I want to eat healthier. I've been working on that for a while. Maybe I'll stop counting calories temporarily. I mean, I'll count the calories in each thing I eat, but I won't keep a total. Then I can decide if the food is worth the calories, instead of feeling guilty about it. Example: I just had apple slices and peanut butter for lunch (one of the few healthy options my college offers). Peanut butter has a million calories (just under 100 per tablespoon) and it's loaded with fat, but it's also one of the healthiest things you can eat. So yeah, my intake for the day is already at 450 (I had an egg on a piece of rye toast for breakfast), but it's been a particularly healthy day. Does that make sense? Or am I just making excuses for my eating habits?
I don't know. The problem inspiring this whole post is that I just had lunch and I'm still hungry, and I'm sitting in a cafeteria. And my next class doesn't start until 3:00. I don't know what to do about this.
Am I being too hard on myself? I know I tend to have extremely high expectations for myself, but maybe I'm just trying to move too fast. Maybe I should hold off on starting a new diet and go back to my 1000 calorie per day limit. I think it is a good limit for me for the moment. And in the past, I've found that when I try to restrict too quickly is when I start binging like crazy. Maybe I should just take it slow and steady. After all, maintaining a 1000 per day intake is better than an 800 per day intake with a 2000 calorie binge every other day. I suppose I won't lose as fast, but at least I'll be able to keep it off.
I guess that's all for now. I need to do some homework, but I may post again later.
Monday, February 8, 2016
Eh... + thinspo
I did terrible yesterday. I got home and ate piles of food. Ugh. But I'm doing good today. I'm at 345 calories for the day, and it's almost 4:00. I get off work at 6:00, so as long as I eat a reasonable dinner, I'll definitely be under my limit for the day (900). Not to mention it's been a very active day at work today. We've been setting up merchandise and taking other stuff down (I work in retail), so there's been a lot of physical activity, which I'm happy about. I think today will be alright.
In other news, I'm getting a corset! My boyfriends mom got a great deal on hers so she got me one too. :) I'm happy I get to start waist training soon.
I suppose that's all for now. I may go to the gym tonight. If I don't, I'll try to work out some at home. I finished the first season of True Blood, so I'll have to find something else to pass the time. (Regarding that show: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK).
Sorry this has been a short post, but I don't have anything to say really, so I'll leave you with some thinspo. This is an alternative model named Luci Fallen (theluciferfallen) and I love her modeling style and her body.
In other news, I'm getting a corset! My boyfriends mom got a great deal on hers so she got me one too. :) I'm happy I get to start waist training soon.
I suppose that's all for now. I may go to the gym tonight. If I don't, I'll try to work out some at home. I finished the first season of True Blood, so I'll have to find something else to pass the time. (Regarding that show: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK).
Sorry this has been a short post, but I don't have anything to say really, so I'll leave you with some thinspo. This is an alternative model named Luci Fallen (theluciferfallen) and I love her modeling style and her body.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Maybe I'm not a failure? + Goals
I didn't binge yet. I'm still at work. I am slightly pleased with myself because I bought some soup and ate that instead of all the nasty greasy shit I was craving. Still not a great choice, but it was flavorful enough to kill my cravings and filling enough to hold me over so I won't binge. I don't know what I'm going to do after I get off work though. But it's meh. I'll figure it out. I'll probably overeat a bit but I'm going to do my best to eat as little as possible for the rest of the day. After all, I'm not actually hungry. Not stomach hungry anyway. I think my soul could use a little nourishment, but that's not what food is for. That's what music is for. :)
Anyhoot. Tomorrow I'm starting the "healthy" skinny girl diet. I'm hoping it will help me ease back into restricting. I'm happy because for Valentine's Day I convinced my boyfriend not to go out to dinner because it's too overdone (told you I'm a hipster lol). Instead we are going ice skating and to see Star Wars again. I mean, we've both seen it, but not together. I'm happy that I get to avoid the whole restaurant thing. blech. And we get to go ice skating, which is a little like a workout. So that's good.
I just...I've been really dissatisfied with myself lately. I feel so ugly and unlovable. I'm doing what I can but there's only so much I can do, you know? I just wish my hair would grow faster. I think I'll feel better once my hair is at the point I want it to be. And when spring comes I think I'm going to clean out my wardrobe and buy new clothes that I don't despise.
I have a lot to do in my life before I'll be satisfied. And it's not just about losing weight. I mean, that's a big part of it, but it's not everything. Because I don't just want to be skinny. I want to be the kind of person I can be happy about being. So, here's a list of goals I want to achieve this year, either beauty related or life related.
Anyhoot. Tomorrow I'm starting the "healthy" skinny girl diet. I'm hoping it will help me ease back into restricting. I'm happy because for Valentine's Day I convinced my boyfriend not to go out to dinner because it's too overdone (told you I'm a hipster lol). Instead we are going ice skating and to see Star Wars again. I mean, we've both seen it, but not together. I'm happy that I get to avoid the whole restaurant thing. blech. And we get to go ice skating, which is a little like a workout. So that's good.
I just...I've been really dissatisfied with myself lately. I feel so ugly and unlovable. I'm doing what I can but there's only so much I can do, you know? I just wish my hair would grow faster. I think I'll feel better once my hair is at the point I want it to be. And when spring comes I think I'm going to clean out my wardrobe and buy new clothes that I don't despise.
I have a lot to do in my life before I'll be satisfied. And it's not just about losing weight. I mean, that's a big part of it, but it's not everything. Because I don't just want to be skinny. I want to be the kind of person I can be happy about being. So, here's a list of goals I want to achieve this year, either beauty related or life related.
- Improve makeup game. (Unfortunately this requires buying a lot of shit)
- Lose 10-15 lbs (after that I'll reevaluate and decide if I want to lose more).
- Grow hair out, dye black.
- Begin waist training (hoping for at least a 25 inch waist by the end of the year with corset training and weight loss combined. Not sure how fast waist training will shrink me)
- Build a modeling portfolio
- clean room/move into new room (my brother moved out a while back and I have yet to move into his old room)
- Learn to drive/get license/buy car
- Write more music (in general)
- Start YouTube channel
- Begin performing (there are a few coffee shops around)
- Take voice lessons (which may or may not be payed for by my scholarship xD)
- Get tattoos (2 more this year)
- learn to cook (kinda random, but I think my boyfriend might appreciate it. Then I would also be able to control my own diet)
Not a good day
I'm stressed out, angry, irritable, completely ashamed, and just mentally exhausted. I got home last night and I stuffed my face like the little fatty that I am. I refused to go out with my friend because after doing my makeup I looked so bad I couldn't bear to look at my own reflection, let alone go out in public. I'm basically disgusting. I caught sight of my reflection in my computer monitor and I started to cry. It was that bad. I could barely do my makeup this morning, but I had to because I wasn't going to come to work looking like that. I look tolerable I guess. I don't know. I'm avoiding mirrors. I just...fuck. I forgot how much it hurts to hate myself like this. I guess I had just gotten used to it. But for some reason it just hit me hard yesterday. Then I woke up this morning and had cake for breakfast (disgusting, I know. What the fuck.) and I haven't eaten since. But the money in my wallet is begging me to go over to McDonald's, buy everything, and fucking stress eat.
Maybe I will. I don't know. What's the point anyway? I literally started my day by eating cake, and my mom is making junk for dinner, so today has been fucked since 9:00 this morning. And even if I binge again, who cares? I already hate myself.
I don't know. Today is just a terrible day. I'll be better tomorrow.
Maybe I will. I don't know. What's the point anyway? I literally started my day by eating cake, and my mom is making junk for dinner, so today has been fucked since 9:00 this morning. And even if I binge again, who cares? I already hate myself.
I don't know. Today is just a terrible day. I'll be better tomorrow.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Note to self:
don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge
don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge
don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge
don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge
don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge
don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge
don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge
don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge
don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don't binge don'tbingedon'tbingedon'tbingedon'tbingePLEASEDON'TBINGE...
Oh my god. The only thing I can think about right now is going to McDonalds, or how I can't wait to get home so I can eat and thinking about what we have to eat at home. I can't stop thinking at food. I'm going to collect thinspo and chug water until I drown.
Dear self,
Please don't eat.
Oh my god. The only thing I can think about right now is going to McDonalds, or how I can't wait to get home so I can eat and thinking about what we have to eat at home. I can't stop thinking at food. I'm going to collect thinspo and chug water until I drown.
Dear self,
Please don't eat.
I suck but it's not my fault this time
I had to go grocery shopping this morning with my obese mother. Ugh. I had my breakfast sub from subway, which I know isn't a great choice, but it's the best option I have. And it's mostly vegetables, so. According to Google, it's about 320 calories. Not great, but since I'm easing into restricting anyway, not terrible. But that wasn't the problem. The problem was MY FAT ASS FUCKING MOTHER BOUGHT PACZKIS AND MY FAT ASS ATE THEM! They were lemon...I love lemon...and I fucking at two of them, at 330 calories each. So I literally hit my calorie limit by 9:30 this morning. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....I'm sitting here at work just downing water and trying to figure out how to fix it. I think when I take my lunch I'll work out. And I know that fasting in response to a binge is supposed to be bad but fuuuuuuuuck. I have to eat dinner when I get home too! And there are two more of those goddamn glorified donuts sitting at home. A huge part of me wants to give up and binge since today is fucked anyway, but no. Nobody ever did anything by giving up. Besides, why would I try to do better tomorrow when I can do better today? Right now? Exactly. So that's what I shall do. I guess I'll just work out when I can, drink water til I explode, and eat as little as I can get away with when I get home. And as soon as I can I'll sneak away to my bed and watch True Blood. (Man I love that show. And Sookie is hot.)
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
(that was a sigh. Think about it. Sighing is totally an H sound.)
Anyway, I guess that's that for now. I'll post some thinspo.
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
(that was a sigh. Think about it. Sighing is totally an H sound.)
Anyway, I guess that's that for now. I'll post some thinspo.
Friday, February 5, 2016
Fake it til you make it
I got a waist cincher!It sucks in all of my fat and I love it. I can wear it under my clothes and it's like a constant reminder not to eat and why not to eat. It's super tight, but not for long.
It doesn't do anything for my fat legs, but my sweater covers my thighs, so.
I almost can't bear to post that pic...ugh. Don't judge me, I know I'm fat. I just wanted to show off the waist cincher.
Anyway, now I can pretend to be skinnier than I actually am until I actually am skinny. *shrug*. And since it has three rows of fasteners I'll be able to wear it for a while. So that's good. It's also improving my posture, and I'm hoping it will help me get used to the feeling so when I buy my corsets it won't feel so weird. I'm actually starting to like wearing it.
Speaking of my fat little self, I'm doing terrible today. My mom made breakfast burritos, and I had to eat one (she has this weird thing about breakfast. Like, I have to eat it no matter what). At least I got to assemble my own so I could regulate how much of everything was on it, but still, it came to about 425 calories! God, that's disgusting. Last year I ate less than that A DAY. What the fuck.
Anyway, I'm just going to have a light yogurt for lunch (90) and drink tons of water. If I'm absolutely dying before I get off work, I'll eat my granola bar. But if I can make it, I won't eat anything til dinner. But we're having pasta! Ugh! I'll have to see how little I can get away with eating in front of my obese family. Then some green tea then off to bed to watch more True Blood (I just started it! So good). That should keep me at a decent intake for the day. I'll work out if I get the chance.
Well, that's it for now. Ta ta.
I almost can't bear to post that pic...ugh. Don't judge me, I know I'm fat. I just wanted to show off the waist cincher.
Anyway, now I can pretend to be skinnier than I actually am until I actually am skinny. *shrug*. And since it has three rows of fasteners I'll be able to wear it for a while. So that's good. It's also improving my posture, and I'm hoping it will help me get used to the feeling so when I buy my corsets it won't feel so weird. I'm actually starting to like wearing it.
Speaking of my fat little self, I'm doing terrible today. My mom made breakfast burritos, and I had to eat one (she has this weird thing about breakfast. Like, I have to eat it no matter what). At least I got to assemble my own so I could regulate how much of everything was on it, but still, it came to about 425 calories! God, that's disgusting. Last year I ate less than that A DAY. What the fuck.
Anyway, I'm just going to have a light yogurt for lunch (90) and drink tons of water. If I'm absolutely dying before I get off work, I'll eat my granola bar. But if I can make it, I won't eat anything til dinner. But we're having pasta! Ugh! I'll have to see how little I can get away with eating in front of my obese family. Then some green tea then off to bed to watch more True Blood (I just started it! So good). That should keep me at a decent intake for the day. I'll work out if I get the chance.
Well, that's it for now. Ta ta.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Stereotyping myself!
I feel like I'm doing good today. I'm at 490 for the day so far and I'm going to the gym at 5:00 (as soon as I get out of class). It's the first time I've been to the gym in a while. I need it. We won't do much (my gym buddy is lazy but it's okay. She gets me in for free as a guest and I get to work out after she quits to go tan) but that's okay. I don't mind. I'm trying not to expect too much of myself too fast. That's what always fucks me up in the first place.
So, I found an old blog about goth culture and I was reading about all the sub genres of goth and wow. There are a lot. I was curious because gothicness fascinates me, and people always think I'm goth or scene when they meet me. And I decided that whilst I am decidedly alternative, I am not goth, because no matter how much I do or aspire to dress gothic, I don't listen to goth music at all, and goth culture is derived from the music, just like punk, metal, grunge, and emo-which is derived from emocore, you dumbass kids who think saying "rawr" and self-harming makes you emo! Self-harm is not a trend you little shits!
But I digress.
Anyway, so based off of that, I'm either indie, alternative, or hipster. Alternative: yes. Indie: a little. Hipster: Hmm...
So here's the thing. I've been called hipster a lot because I like to steer away from things that are popular. I prefer more obscure-well, anything really. Music, movies, books, style. It's just what I do. Obscure stuff tends to be better because it doesn't survive off of reputation alone. For this reason, I am labeled a hipster, always in a derogatory manner.
So here's my question: When did "hipster" become a bad thing?
Let's analyze that, shall we? "Hipsters" are labeled as such because they steer away from mainstream culture of any kind, and prefer to follow their own course. They are trendsetters. Why is that so bad?
I suppose in some ways, it can be bad. Back in the olden days when I was 15 (all those four years ago lol) I used to rebel against conformity, not because I did what I enjoyed, but because I wanted to be different. I rebelled for the sake of rebellion, rather than to be happy. And that's stupid. Maybe that's why "hipster" is seen as such a negative term. Confused, antisocial teenagers attempting to be different because they refuse to be the same.
Now, if one of you is reading this, take this advice from a recovered anti-conformist: it's not worth it. I found myself refusing to do things I enjoyed and refusing to talk to people who I saw as "popular", because I assumed they must be bad people. And in my narrow-minded self-righteousness, I lost a lot of opportunities to do things I may have made me happy. I graduated high school last year with few friends, all of which are gone now because I realized how hateful they are. And I used to be one of them. I don't miss anyone from high school because I refused to get to know them. And I graduated in a class of 87 kids. Only one lasting friend, and we weren't friends in high school!
My philosophy summed up in one sentence: Life is too short to not sing along to a catchy Taylor Swift song.
Even if you dislike her as much as I do. I love to sing. And when "Shake it Off" comes on, I belt that shit. And I'm infinitely happier because of it.
So now, I aim to do what I want. Sometimes it's mainstream and "conformist", most of the time it's obscure and different. For those reasons, I suppose I'm proud to call myself a "hipster".
So, I found an old blog about goth culture and I was reading about all the sub genres of goth and wow. There are a lot. I was curious because gothicness fascinates me, and people always think I'm goth or scene when they meet me. And I decided that whilst I am decidedly alternative, I am not goth, because no matter how much I do or aspire to dress gothic, I don't listen to goth music at all, and goth culture is derived from the music, just like punk, metal, grunge, and emo-which is derived from emocore, you dumbass kids who think saying "rawr" and self-harming makes you emo! Self-harm is not a trend you little shits!
But I digress.
Anyway, so based off of that, I'm either indie, alternative, or hipster. Alternative: yes. Indie: a little. Hipster: Hmm...
So here's the thing. I've been called hipster a lot because I like to steer away from things that are popular. I prefer more obscure-well, anything really. Music, movies, books, style. It's just what I do. Obscure stuff tends to be better because it doesn't survive off of reputation alone. For this reason, I am labeled a hipster, always in a derogatory manner.
So here's my question: When did "hipster" become a bad thing?
Let's analyze that, shall we? "Hipsters" are labeled as such because they steer away from mainstream culture of any kind, and prefer to follow their own course. They are trendsetters. Why is that so bad?
I suppose in some ways, it can be bad. Back in the olden days when I was 15 (all those four years ago lol) I used to rebel against conformity, not because I did what I enjoyed, but because I wanted to be different. I rebelled for the sake of rebellion, rather than to be happy. And that's stupid. Maybe that's why "hipster" is seen as such a negative term. Confused, antisocial teenagers attempting to be different because they refuse to be the same.
Now, if one of you is reading this, take this advice from a recovered anti-conformist: it's not worth it. I found myself refusing to do things I enjoyed and refusing to talk to people who I saw as "popular", because I assumed they must be bad people. And in my narrow-minded self-righteousness, I lost a lot of opportunities to do things I may have made me happy. I graduated high school last year with few friends, all of which are gone now because I realized how hateful they are. And I used to be one of them. I don't miss anyone from high school because I refused to get to know them. And I graduated in a class of 87 kids. Only one lasting friend, and we weren't friends in high school!
My philosophy summed up in one sentence: Life is too short to not sing along to a catchy Taylor Swift song.
Even if you dislike her as much as I do. I love to sing. And when "Shake it Off" comes on, I belt that shit. And I'm infinitely happier because of it.
So now, I aim to do what I want. Sometimes it's mainstream and "conformist", most of the time it's obscure and different. For those reasons, I suppose I'm proud to call myself a "hipster".
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
I'm weak + stats
Or at least, I want to be weak. I don't know. I haven't done so great today. It's 4:47pm and I'm already at 610 calories. But I suppose if I go easy on dinner I'll be okay. My goal for the week is to stay under 1000 a day, then on Monday I'll start the healthy skinny girl diet. I think I can do this. The problem is, my brain is sabotaging me. My stomach is not hungry. But my brain desperately wants to use the $1 in my wallet to march over to McDonald's and buy cookies. But I won't. I refuse to give in. I'm half tempted to walk over and buy a coffee, just to get rid of the excess money. But you know what? I won't. I refuse to. I've already eaten more than I intended today. So I'm going to sit here and drink my water and not give in to the dumbass that is my appetite. Because I'm not hungry. Just bored and emotional.
I found that pic years ago when I first decided to lose weight. It's so useful for absolutely anybody trying to lose weight. Especially in this country where everyone is obese. Ugh.
Anyway, I haven't been able to weigh myself, but I measured this morning and here are my stats as well as I can remember.
Height: 5'4''
Weight: 120 lbs* (Just an estimate I was around there last time I weighed)
BMI: 20.6 (assuming I weight 120)
Waist: 26.5 inches
Stomach: 32 inches (I have a bulge :( )
Hips: 36 inches (Upper hips, around hipbones)
I didn't have time to do full measurements, that's all I got. But still, it's something to reference. My current goals are to lose about 10 lbs, a 30 inch stomach, and a 25 inch waist (before waist training. After waist training I want about a 22 inch waist). I'm keeping my goals modest for the moment, then when I reach them I'll set new ones.
Other physical goals:
Anyway, I haven't been able to weigh myself, but I measured this morning and here are my stats as well as I can remember.
Height: 5'4''
Weight: 120 lbs* (Just an estimate I was around there last time I weighed)
BMI: 20.6 (assuming I weight 120)
Waist: 26.5 inches
Stomach: 32 inches (I have a bulge :( )
Hips: 36 inches (Upper hips, around hipbones)
I didn't have time to do full measurements, that's all I got. But still, it's something to reference. My current goals are to lose about 10 lbs, a 30 inch stomach, and a 25 inch waist (before waist training. After waist training I want about a 22 inch waist). I'm keeping my goals modest for the moment, then when I reach them I'll set new ones.
Other physical goals:
- toned arms (especially underneath-my flab won't go away!)
- thigh gap (almost there actually! I barely have to cheat at all to get one.)
- toned ass (It's gotten smaller as I lose weight-not acceptable! Must build up the booty!)
- Flat belly (duh)
- slim neck and face (I have a double chin! And I'm so jealous of girls with those perfectly defined jawlines and cheekbones.)
- Grow hair out (I had a pixie for four years and it's growing out very awkwardly. I just want it long and healthy so I can dye it back to black!)
- Improve makeup game :P
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Captian Jack Sparrow lied to me
Rum is not good. It most definitely is bad, as a matter of fact, no matter how good it tastes (particularly with a blueberry soda lol) or how fun it is to drink. It is not good. It causes problems, such as fighting with your friends fiance in front of your boyfriend because he wanted to see your boobs and you said no. It also causes said fiance to throw up everywhere and you to have no memory of what happened when you wake up, so you hear all this from your boyfriend...
Yes. That was my weekend. That was Saturday night. Sunday I was so hungry from getting drunk the night before (that's just how alcohol affects me, I don't know why) that I ate everything. Then Monday Mother Nature decided to inform me that I was not pregnant in the most unpleasant way possible (useful information, unpleasant message), so I literally just ate everything. Actually no, I did okay at work, but then we got pizza for dinner and I ate so much.
Anyway. So due to my past couple days of being fucking disgusting, I am not going to post stats like I said I would. I don't know my current stats because I was too afraid to measure. I'll try to measure and everything soon and post all my stats and goals. For now I'm just trying to recover from that mess.
Anyway, so this day was okay. I'm still trying to work my way back into restricting, so for now I'm just aiming for under 1000 calories, which I think I'll make today. I'm at 600 for the day so far. I'll have a snack before choir, then it's off home for a quick workout and shower. Then work tomorrow I'll be safe because I can stay busy for most of the day, which will keep me distracted.
Unfortunately for my little fatty self, I work directly next door to a McDonald's. So it's far too easy to just walk over and get a snack. But I've recently discovered that they sell Campbell's soup! And I looked up the nutrition facts online, and it's only 130 calories, which is really good I think for a big old cup of soup.
I'm not sure when I'm going to start reducing my intake. Within the next couple of weeks probably. Maybe I'll try to get down to 500 so I can start the skinny girl diet on March 1.
Actually, that's a great idea! I'll do the Healthy Skinny Girl Diet for now (but I'll count fruits and veggies too) then start the Skinny Girl Diet in March. After a month of that, I'll see if I can pull off the ABC Diet.
Good. I have a plan. I always feel better when I have a plan. I also need to find the time and energy to work out more often. But I'm just taking it one day at a time. We'll see.
I guess that's it for now. I'm gonna go get some "dinner" (meaning teensy weensy snack) and watch youtube.
Yes. That was my weekend. That was Saturday night. Sunday I was so hungry from getting drunk the night before (that's just how alcohol affects me, I don't know why) that I ate everything. Then Monday Mother Nature decided to inform me that I was not pregnant in the most unpleasant way possible (useful information, unpleasant message), so I literally just ate everything. Actually no, I did okay at work, but then we got pizza for dinner and I ate so much.
Anyway. So due to my past couple days of being fucking disgusting, I am not going to post stats like I said I would. I don't know my current stats because I was too afraid to measure. I'll try to measure and everything soon and post all my stats and goals. For now I'm just trying to recover from that mess.
Anyway, so this day was okay. I'm still trying to work my way back into restricting, so for now I'm just aiming for under 1000 calories, which I think I'll make today. I'm at 600 for the day so far. I'll have a snack before choir, then it's off home for a quick workout and shower. Then work tomorrow I'll be safe because I can stay busy for most of the day, which will keep me distracted.
Unfortunately for my little fatty self, I work directly next door to a McDonald's. So it's far too easy to just walk over and get a snack. But I've recently discovered that they sell Campbell's soup! And I looked up the nutrition facts online, and it's only 130 calories, which is really good I think for a big old cup of soup.
I'm not sure when I'm going to start reducing my intake. Within the next couple of weeks probably. Maybe I'll try to get down to 500 so I can start the skinny girl diet on March 1.
Actually, that's a great idea! I'll do the Healthy Skinny Girl Diet for now (but I'll count fruits and veggies too) then start the Skinny Girl Diet in March. After a month of that, I'll see if I can pull off the ABC Diet.
Good. I have a plan. I always feel better when I have a plan. I also need to find the time and energy to work out more often. But I'm just taking it one day at a time. We'll see.
I guess that's it for now. I'm gonna go get some "dinner" (meaning teensy weensy snack) and watch youtube.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)