Nothing changes, does it?

Some of the blogs I followed years ago are still here. One of them stopped posting, I hope she’s okay. I hope it’s because she recovered. Is there a message feature on here? Maybe I’ll leave a comment on her most recent in case she ever comes back. I hope she doesn’t. God, I wish none of us were here. I was going to comment on something that someone said that led me to the “pro-Ana” community back in high school, but I started thinking about it and it goes back further than that. I had a dieting phase in middle school, and I’ve had a “fucking hating myself” phase my whole life. Are some people just born to be sad? Or are we nurtured to be sad?
I can say I wasn’t wanted, I was neglected, I was forced to fill to adult of a role too young. I can say that I was terrified all the time, that nobody cares when I cried, that I can’t remember being hugged or told anyone loved me. I can say I was slapped around, the memories are gone but I know it happened.   But nobody fucking cares. A bitch I know posted on Facebook “everyone’s got a sad story, no one cares. Hustle anyway” or some shit. (Ironic to post about how nobody cares but whatever). It’s true. Nobody cares. If you talk about your pain it’s either a competition or a circle jerk over who was abused worst. Nobody cares. And nobody gives a shit who it turned you into. They just think you’re an asshole.
And their right, but I promise I hate myself more than anybody ever could. I punish myself every day, in my mind, and lately I’ve been hurting myself physically. It doesn’t matter. No one cares.
I’m bitter but I’m not even sad about it. I just want to be left the fuck alone.
But that’s a lie because I here I am. Important to point out my own hypocrisy.
Idk I’m crossed and tired and I want to go back to sleep. I’ve been sleeping all day. It’s the next best thing to being dead.

Why am I still here?

Here. This blog. This life.
I always come back here. I always sink this low again, no matter what.
I don't even know what is wrong with me. I don't know why I can't just be happy and stay happy.
It's not a food things this time. I'm just so fucking lonely. I have so much going on in my head and I can never talk about any of it. Every time I do talk about it, something bad happens. I've gotten good at hiding it. Choking it down.
I just don't know what to do. I'm trapped.
Probably just going to get drunk tonight

Today I ate...

Tea for breakfast (0)
Water (0)
Iced coffee for a snack (190)
Vegetable soup for dinner (160)
Total: 350
.
Even better? That was my plan all along. I stuck to it.
Maybe
Just maybe
I can do this.

Must get skinnier

Here's the plan for tomorrow
Breakfast : water and tea
Lunch: rice and veggies
More water
Dinner: depends on what I'm doing...so as little as I can get away with. Salad if im out, juice if im home.
No food after dinner.
I have to do this. I cannot go on eating the way I've been eating. It's awful and disgusting and I'm fucking fat. And on top of that, I'm wasting money on food I don't need. So it needs to end. Now.

Denial

I can't imagine what it must feel like to feel free in your own body. To not feel as if your body is a shell you don't fit in, or a cage holding you captive. What does it feel like to not want to rip your own skin off until you can breathe? To not ever think about shedding your skin and finally being comfortable?
I feel like I've wasted 20 years of my life, and every second I spend in this lie is a waste of time when I could be living as myself.
But I cant. It's just not an option.
So I go back in denial.
And in the closet.

I'm bad at multitasking

Focus. Basically what it comes down to is focus. And I'm awful at focusing on more than one thing at a time. The more I focus on the rest of my life, the more I neglect my weight. And the more I focus on my weight, the more I neglect everything else.
I guess I just need to try harder. I'm not willing to sacrifice the progress I've made in other aspects of my life, but I'm just so fucking sick and tired of looking like this.
I just need to try harder. That's all.

Stats + I suck

Current stats:
Height - 5'4"
Weight - 137
BMI - 23.5
CGW - 130
UGW (for now) - 120

I cannot believe I let myself gain this much. This is ridiculous. How did I ever think I was fat when I weighed 117? Fuck me.

I'll post measurements when I get home if I remember to.

Rules

Just some simple rules to set for myself to stay on track, in no particular order.
1. No eating after 7
2. Stretch morning and night
3. Healthy breakfast every day
4. Limit fast food to 3 times a week (I eat way too much taco bell)
5. Have green tea in the afternoon, especially at work.
6. Take better care of yourself. Shave, skincare, dress nice. Use yourself as inspiration.
7. Drink a glass of water before breakfast every day.
8. Don't sit all day! Get up and move at least once every hour.
9. Work out regularly, even if it's only a little bit.
10. Make more healthy dinners with michael.

I'm a terrible person

So here's the thing. The reason I've returned isn't good (but then, it never is). I'm afraid for my friend. He is a friend of my boyfriend's, and my bf told me that he starves himself. Apparently he eats a piece of toast in the morning but then fasts the rest of the day, until very late at night. He refuses to eat in between. And he has lost 10 pounds in the past month.
I'm worried about him. I want him to be okay, to be happy. But then I use his experience as encouragement. Like, if he can do it, so can I. But that's so wrong! What the hell is wrong with me?

In no particular order...

10 reasons to stop stuffing your fucking face (some personal inspiration)
1. Modeling. You will never model at the size you are now and you know it.
2. To be happy. You'll never be satisfied with your appearance until you lose the weight.
3. Healthier eating habits=better skin
4. Cute clothes
5. Because you don't want to be a big little girl. You want to be little for Daddy (if anyone is reading, this is about Daddy Dom, not my literal father)
6. Smaller waist=bigger butt
7. Smaller waist=bigger chest
8. To get the tattoos
9. Slimmer face=prettier face.
10. To finally have control

I'm back + new goals

I am tired of being unhappy with my appearance. My weight is the same it's always been, my skin is terrible, my hair is a mess. I need to get control of myself. I'm pathetic.
I've been using an app to track my intake and exercise, but it's not enough. Im not going to jump in too quickly though. For now, I'm just going to add in a few things at a time. My first step is to get back into drinking TONS of water. I used to be really good about that, but not so much anymore. And I'll pay more attention to what I'm eating, in addition to his much. I'm not going to worry about exercise for the moment, because it's hotter than Satan's ball sack right now. I'll work on my current goals for a few weeks, then add more. Other goals is to take better care of my skin. I'm training to be a makeup artist, which means constant practice. I really need a better skincare routine. That's all for now.
I guess I'm done for the moment. We'll see how this goes.

I'm leaving

I need to get away from this before it consumes and destroys me. I need to start taking care of myself before this brief moment of sanity is gone and it's too late. I am fine the way I am, and I want to be healthy. I don't want to be depressed anymore, and I don't want to starve. So I'm going to focus on taking care of myself. I wish you all the best.

Thinspo-Black and white

I just used the rest of my black and white pics, and they ended up being all legs! I'll look for more variety next time. But hey, legs are nice.

So I'm still here

Assuming anyone cares. But yeah. Not only am I still here, but I'm back. Back to restricting, back to exercising every night. Back to browsing MPA during my free time.
For a while there, I thought that I'd rather be a little heavier and be happy, without worry about what I eat, then to stress over what I'm eating and be skinny. And I felt great, until I stepped on a scale at my boyfriend's house and started to cry. Turns out I'd rather be skinny.
So here I am. Still failing college, still failing at life, but now I'm five pounds heavier. But I've been working at it for the past two days, and it's amazing how much my stomach shrinks just because I was so fat and bloated from eating terribly. It's enough motivation to keep me going. That and the fact that my boyfriend admitted that my body isn't as good as when we met. (When we met I was eating 300 kcal a day and exercising multiple times a day). So I'm back at it. We'll see how it goes I guess. And if I fail, there's always another option.
So today I had homemade granola for breakfast (No fucking clue how many kcal it is, which sucks) and almond milk. For now I'm just watching my intake rather than counting calories. I'll probably start counting (and restricting) on Monday.
Oh yeah, and one good thing came out of it all: my boyfriend agreed to support me losing weight, no matter what I choose to do. He won't argue my intake or anything anymore. Which is good.
Anyway, this was just a quick update. I'll post again when I have something to say. Maybe I'll go collect some thinspo and post it.

I might be saying goodbye

I'm thinking about killing myself. It just seems like the logical thing to do. My life is going nowhere. I have nothing going for me. To be honest, I just don't see any reason to continue existing. I'm flunking out of college and I'm terrible at everything else in my life. I'm going nowhere...so I may as well just leave.
It probably won't be for another few weeks, (I still need to prepare), but in case I don't come back to this, I just wanted to say thank you to the four of you who read this. I really did enjoy posting for a while there. It was a nice distraction. I know I wasn't here for long, but it was nice. I wish the best for all of you.

Success is overrated

I did manage to fast for the entire day Friday. Problem is, my body didn't appreciate that. I woke up Saturday feeling incredibly nauseated, my head was spinning, and I could barely walk. I managed to get downstairs and I ate two pieces of celery and drank some orange juice, thinking that I probably needed the nutrients, and not wanting to break my fast too suddenly. BAD IDEA. After that I got so sick I couldn't stand, and I didn't feel better til after I threw up, twice. (I hate being sick >.<) Then when my stomach was feeling good enough to eat, I basically went crazy all day and ate everything I could get my hands on. Fuck.
So I have a new rule for myself: no more full day fasts. From now on, when I fast, it will be from dinner one night to dinner the next night, because my body just can't handle sleeping on that empty of a stomach.
Other than all that, I was really please with fasting. I felt so strong, like I was finally in control. I guess with me I either eat everything or I eat nothing. I don't know. I'll figure something out.

Fasting update

It's now almost 7:30, and I still haven't eaten. I had some tea before I left work, and the box didn't say how many calories were in it (what the fuck? I thought that was a law!), but there's no way it was enough to mess up my day. I mean, it was just tea. Oh, and I had a piece of sugarfree gum (5 kcal), because I was cleaning out my purse and it was the last stick in the box. So I'm doing okay. I just have to make it til bedtime, and make sure I don't eat anything while I'm here at my boyfriend's house (He's doing homework right now, which is why I'm writing this). I used his bathroom scale, and I'm at 122.2. Ugh. But I guess I've got to start somewhere.
This is really hard for me because a part of me wants him to force me to eat, you know? I didn't even actually get hungry til about an hour ago, but now I just want to eat something. But I want control even more. I need to get some control over my life, and that starts with taking control over myself.

Fasting

I'm attempting my first real fast today. Nothing but beverages. I had a dairy free coffee drink this morning (Stupid me forgot to look at the label so I don't know how many calories >.< ), and now nothing but water for the rest of the day. Maybe I'll have a diet soda or some tea later. I'm going to my boyfriends house later, so that will be tough, but I'll just tell him that I don't feel good. That should work.
This is my first real fast. I used to make sure to fast for 12 hours every night, but I don't really count that. I'm only fasting for one day, but still. You have to start somewhere. I would shoot for two days but I don't want to push it, plus I'm going to a theatre workshop tomorrow and I'm going to need my energy for that.
So why now, after weeks of slacking and eating whatever I want, did I suddenly decide to fast? Well, yesterday, I felt great. I had an amazing day. Then this morning, everything went to shit as soon as I woke up. So I figured, fuck it. What's the point of trying to accept myself and be happy when I'm never going to get anywhere? Instead of trying to like myself the way I am, I'm going to try to turn myself into something I like. It seems a lot more logical to me.
So here I go. My first ever fast. I'll try to post tomorrow or tonight about how it went, along with my CW. (Somewhere in the 120 range, but idk where). Wish me luck.

I'm a mess

I need to do something. I can't keep being like this. Looking like this. It's disgusting. I need a plan.
Hmm...well, with going vegan and all I kind of need to focus on what my intake is, not the amount. So maybe I shouldn't restrict until I get the hang of veganism. I think as far as food goes I'm just going to focus on eating healthier for now. (Which I'm already doing, as a side-effect of going vegan)
I think for now I'm just going to focus on working out. Every fucking day. Cardio whenever possible, strength moves (push-ups, planks, triceps, squats, lunges, etc) and yoga and stretching every night (cause who doesn't want to be more flexible?) And I'll be drinking water religiously. I need to get back into my old good habits. I've been bad. It's time to get back on top of things.

I'm falling apart

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't stand the sight of myself. I'm disgusting. And here's the thing-it's not my weight that's bothering me. yeah, I mean, I could lose a few pounds (10-20) but that won't fix my face. I will never be pretty. I will never be one of those beautiful girls I've always wanted to be. I'll never be a model. My face is just...gross. Makeup can only fix so much, you know?
I want to get a nose job, but I can't afford it. I want to tear the skin off of my face with my fingernails. I'm disgusting. I hate myself. I hate myself for all of the things that I will never be. I'll never be perfect. I'll never even be good enough. Not for myself, anyway.
My nose is too big, my eyes are too small, my skin isn't fair, my face is fat, my arms are fat, my stomach is fat, my thighs are fat...my hair is a mess, my voice is too deep, I'm too short...I'm just a mess. And I don't have the energy or the resources to do anything about it.
Fuck.
*sigh*
In other news, going vegan is pretty great. I'm not always entirely vegan (I still live at home so I don't have that much of a choice) but I've been eating vegetarian almost perfectly (Except on day my mom made fish for dinner and there was no alternative option. So I ate it). I'm really happy about it. My standard breakfast is usually a piece of toast with peanut butter and a banana, then lunch..at work I have a lettuce wrap, at school I usually have some kind of salad, then dinner is really a toss-up. If I'm out with a friend I'll have a veggie sub from subway or a crunch wrap from taco bell with beans and no cheese or sour cream, or if we get pizza I just get half with veggies and no cheese. At home I kind of have to eat whatever we're having, but we eat vegetarian a lot anyway, so it's all good. I was at work the other day and I had cramps, and I told my boyfriend I didn't feel good, so he brought me a little thing of coconut milk ice cream! He's such a sweetie. I really don't deserve him.
But yeah. It's really not so hard to stop eating animal products. And I'm a lot happier with my food choices now, because I'm eating healthier without even trying, and I don't really mind if I'm eating more calories (I eat a lot of peanut butter O.O) because 1. All (most) of the calories I'm eating are healthy, and 2. I'd rather have a higher calorie vegan diet than a low-calorie diet that promotes the abuse, neglect, and exploitation of animals for the sake of our own selfishness.
Sorry, got a bit preachy there. If you're interested in veganism, look up lauraacanfly on youtube (That's her lifestyle channel. I also highly recommend you check out her mental health channel, laura lejeune). I love her to death, and she's really helped to change the way I see the world.
Well that went off on a tangent. I'm just gonna leave now before I start rambling again. I hope you guys are doing okay (all four of you following this blog lol. Assuming you're actually reading it haha)