Some of the blogs I followed years ago are still here. One of them stopped posting, I hope she’s okay. I hope it’s because she recovered. Is there a message feature on here? Maybe I’ll leave a comment on her most recent in case she ever comes back. I hope she doesn’t. God, I wish none of us were here. I was going to comment on something that someone said that led me to the “pro-Ana” community back in high school, but I started thinking about it and it goes back further than that. I had a dieting phase in middle school, and I’ve had a “fucking hating myself” phase my whole life. Are some people just born to be sad? Or are we nurtured to be sad?
I can say I wasn’t wanted, I was neglected, I was forced to fill to adult of a role too young. I can say that I was terrified all the time, that nobody cares when I cried, that I can’t remember being hugged or told anyone loved me. I can say I was slapped around, the memories are gone but I know it happened. But nobody fucking cares. A bitch I know posted on Facebook “everyone’s got a sad story, no one cares. Hustle anyway” or some shit. (Ironic to post about how nobody cares but whatever). It’s true. Nobody cares. If you talk about your pain it’s either a competition or a circle jerk over who was abused worst. Nobody cares. And nobody gives a shit who it turned you into. They just think you’re an asshole.
And their right, but I promise I hate myself more than anybody ever could. I punish myself every day, in my mind, and lately I’ve been hurting myself physically. It doesn’t matter. No one cares.
I’m bitter but I’m not even sad about it. I just want to be left the fuck alone.
But that’s a lie because I here I am. Important to point out my own hypocrisy.
Idk I’m crossed and tired and I want to go back to sleep. I’ve been sleeping all day. It’s the next best thing to being dead.
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