Success is overrated

I did manage to fast for the entire day Friday. Problem is, my body didn't appreciate that. I woke up Saturday feeling incredibly nauseated, my head was spinning, and I could barely walk. I managed to get downstairs and I ate two pieces of celery and drank some orange juice, thinking that I probably needed the nutrients, and not wanting to break my fast too suddenly. BAD IDEA. After that I got so sick I couldn't stand, and I didn't feel better til after I threw up, twice. (I hate being sick >.<) Then when my stomach was feeling good enough to eat, I basically went crazy all day and ate everything I could get my hands on. Fuck.
So I have a new rule for myself: no more full day fasts. From now on, when I fast, it will be from dinner one night to dinner the next night, because my body just can't handle sleeping on that empty of a stomach.
Other than all that, I was really please with fasting. I felt so strong, like I was finally in control. I guess with me I either eat everything or I eat nothing. I don't know. I'll figure something out.

Fasting update

It's now almost 7:30, and I still haven't eaten. I had some tea before I left work, and the box didn't say how many calories were in it (what the fuck? I thought that was a law!), but there's no way it was enough to mess up my day. I mean, it was just tea. Oh, and I had a piece of sugarfree gum (5 kcal), because I was cleaning out my purse and it was the last stick in the box. So I'm doing okay. I just have to make it til bedtime, and make sure I don't eat anything while I'm here at my boyfriend's house (He's doing homework right now, which is why I'm writing this). I used his bathroom scale, and I'm at 122.2. Ugh. But I guess I've got to start somewhere.
This is really hard for me because a part of me wants him to force me to eat, you know? I didn't even actually get hungry til about an hour ago, but now I just want to eat something. But I want control even more. I need to get some control over my life, and that starts with taking control over myself.

Fasting

I'm attempting my first real fast today. Nothing but beverages. I had a dairy free coffee drink this morning (Stupid me forgot to look at the label so I don't know how many calories >.< ), and now nothing but water for the rest of the day. Maybe I'll have a diet soda or some tea later. I'm going to my boyfriends house later, so that will be tough, but I'll just tell him that I don't feel good. That should work.
This is my first real fast. I used to make sure to fast for 12 hours every night, but I don't really count that. I'm only fasting for one day, but still. You have to start somewhere. I would shoot for two days but I don't want to push it, plus I'm going to a theatre workshop tomorrow and I'm going to need my energy for that.
So why now, after weeks of slacking and eating whatever I want, did I suddenly decide to fast? Well, yesterday, I felt great. I had an amazing day. Then this morning, everything went to shit as soon as I woke up. So I figured, fuck it. What's the point of trying to accept myself and be happy when I'm never going to get anywhere? Instead of trying to like myself the way I am, I'm going to try to turn myself into something I like. It seems a lot more logical to me.
So here I go. My first ever fast. I'll try to post tomorrow or tonight about how it went, along with my CW. (Somewhere in the 120 range, but idk where). Wish me luck.

I'm a mess

I need to do something. I can't keep being like this. Looking like this. It's disgusting. I need a plan.
Hmm...well, with going vegan and all I kind of need to focus on what my intake is, not the amount. So maybe I shouldn't restrict until I get the hang of veganism. I think as far as food goes I'm just going to focus on eating healthier for now. (Which I'm already doing, as a side-effect of going vegan)
I think for now I'm just going to focus on working out. Every fucking day. Cardio whenever possible, strength moves (push-ups, planks, triceps, squats, lunges, etc) and yoga and stretching every night (cause who doesn't want to be more flexible?) And I'll be drinking water religiously. I need to get back into my old good habits. I've been bad. It's time to get back on top of things.

I'm falling apart

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't stand the sight of myself. I'm disgusting. And here's the thing-it's not my weight that's bothering me. yeah, I mean, I could lose a few pounds (10-20) but that won't fix my face. I will never be pretty. I will never be one of those beautiful girls I've always wanted to be. I'll never be a model. My face is just...gross. Makeup can only fix so much, you know?
I want to get a nose job, but I can't afford it. I want to tear the skin off of my face with my fingernails. I'm disgusting. I hate myself. I hate myself for all of the things that I will never be. I'll never be perfect. I'll never even be good enough. Not for myself, anyway.
My nose is too big, my eyes are too small, my skin isn't fair, my face is fat, my arms are fat, my stomach is fat, my thighs are fat...my hair is a mess, my voice is too deep, I'm too short...I'm just a mess. And I don't have the energy or the resources to do anything about it.
Fuck.
*sigh*
In other news, going vegan is pretty great. I'm not always entirely vegan (I still live at home so I don't have that much of a choice) but I've been eating vegetarian almost perfectly (Except on day my mom made fish for dinner and there was no alternative option. So I ate it). I'm really happy about it. My standard breakfast is usually a piece of toast with peanut butter and a banana, then lunch..at work I have a lettuce wrap, at school I usually have some kind of salad, then dinner is really a toss-up. If I'm out with a friend I'll have a veggie sub from subway or a crunch wrap from taco bell with beans and no cheese or sour cream, or if we get pizza I just get half with veggies and no cheese. At home I kind of have to eat whatever we're having, but we eat vegetarian a lot anyway, so it's all good. I was at work the other day and I had cramps, and I told my boyfriend I didn't feel good, so he brought me a little thing of coconut milk ice cream! He's such a sweetie. I really don't deserve him.
But yeah. It's really not so hard to stop eating animal products. And I'm a lot happier with my food choices now, because I'm eating healthier without even trying, and I don't really mind if I'm eating more calories (I eat a lot of peanut butter O.O) because 1. All (most) of the calories I'm eating are healthy, and 2. I'd rather have a higher calorie vegan diet than a low-calorie diet that promotes the abuse, neglect, and exploitation of animals for the sake of our own selfishness.
Sorry, got a bit preachy there. If you're interested in veganism, look up lauraacanfly on youtube (That's her lifestyle channel. I also highly recommend you check out her mental health channel, laura lejeune). I love her to death, and she's really helped to change the way I see the world.
Well that went off on a tangent. I'm just gonna leave now before I start rambling again. I hope you guys are doing okay (all four of you following this blog lol. Assuming you're actually reading it haha)

New priorities

I'm going vegan! Seeing as I still live at home, I may not be able to eat completely vegan all the time, so in those cases I'll settle for vegetarian, but my goal is to eat entirely vegan whenever possible. I was watching videos about the meat and dairy industry and there's no way I'll feel right about eating animal products ever again.
Other than that, I don't know. I haven't been restricting lately, but I also haven't binged, so that's good I guess? I'm just having so much trouble trying to care about anything lately.


I just wrote like 5 paragraphs but the internet derped out and I lost it. I am not happy.

Anyway, long story short, I still wish I was perfect. I am not even close. That is all.