I am average. I am average intelligence, average talent, average looks, average weight. Average everything. Yet the people around me disagree. Take my boyfriend for example. He thinks I am beautiful and talented. A guy friend of mine doesn't understand me wanting to lose weight because I'm "already so skinny!" (And he has nudes of me, so he's seen it all). People I have never met message me on facebook begging me to add them because I'm so pretty. The people around me see me as this crazy amazing creature. But they are so wrong!
I'm not exceptional in any way. Yeah, maybe I'm not as bad at everything as I used to believe. But I am not good. I am average. Just average. They think I am crazy for believing this. But why don't they realize that I am the only one who is seeing clearly? I am not the crazy one, they are.
Is it because my expectations are too high? Or are their expectations too low?
It's ridiculous. Just because I am okay, they think I am great. But I'm not. I'm just okay. And I want to be so much more. I'm tired of being average. I want to be perfect.
I know it's unrealistic. Perfection does not exist. But I don't care. It's what I want, and nothing less than perfect is going to be good enough for me. I don't want to be pretty, I want to be flawless. I don't want to be skinny, I want to be weightless. I don't want to be talented-I want to be perfect. Nothing less is enough. Nothing less is acceptable.
Maybe I try too hard. But at the same time, I don't try hard enough. I know what I want and how to get there, but I don't have the energy to commit myself to doing it. I'm lazy. I could be skinnier. I could be prettier. I just don't try hard enough. To be honest, I'm not sure how to try any harder. But I'm learning. I'm searching for ways to try.
I know what I am. I'm your average small town girl with a big nose, a big voice, and a half-decent body. But I want more. And I know what I want to be. Perfect. Porcelain. Mysterious. Sexy, but in a flawless, untouchable way. I want to make people stop and stare.
And you know what? I will one day. I don't care how long it takes. Nothing is going to stop me.
Friday, January 29, 2016
So here's the thing...
I still live at home. It sucks, but I just don't have the means or the resources to move out at the moment. And my mom is fat. Not just by ana standards-she's literally obese. And she cooks. So I'm stuck eating the food she makes, with absolutely no idea of how many calories are in it. It's terrible.
I think I did okay yesterday. After I posted, I didn't eat til dinner, but dinner was chicken pot pie. Ughhhhhhh. I had one piece, and I was done eating by seven, so I had plenty of time to digest, but still, I hate not knowing my intake for the day. It sucks.
I think I'm going to have to have a pretty high intake for the day. But as I'm still working my way back down to restricting, I think that's okay. Besides, having varied intakes keeps your metabolism up. We'll see how it goes.
In other news, I'm looking into corset training. The website Corset Story is having a few sales right now, so I think I'm going to try it. I researched a ton, so I know how to do it safely, and I think it will really help with my waistline. Not to mention it makes it harder to eat, so it'll be even easier to eat less and less. :) I can't wait to start. I just need to order the ones I want first.
Other than that, nothing much is happening. I've been making sure that no matter what, I'm doing planks every day, and my belly is getting flatter. And my legs are slowly getting slimmer. But no matter what I do, I can't get my arms to shape up! They're so flabby, and it's disgusting. But I won a free givaway of these toning beauty products, so when they arrive I'll try them out and see if it helps. :/
It's just tough doing all this when I'm stuck at home in the lair of obesity. Everyone in my family is overweight and they all have terrible relationships with food. They eat so much, it's disgusting. And when I eat a normal amount, they think I'm crazy because I'm not stuffing my face. I can't tell them this, I just have to work around it. Hopefully I'll be getting out sometime this year. Until then, I just have to hide shit. It sucks. I don't even own a scale. I use my boyfriends whenever I go over there. In fact, I'm going over there tonight, so I'll post stats either tonight or tomorrow.
I guess that's it for now. I'm at work, but it's dead, so I'm going to catch up on homework. Stay strong everyone. Stay skinny. <3
Fun fact: A scientist did a study to prove that lower calories is the key to losing weight, so he ate a super low calorie diet of junk food like twinkies and shit, and he lost 20 pounds...just sayin...
I think I did okay yesterday. After I posted, I didn't eat til dinner, but dinner was chicken pot pie. Ughhhhhhh. I had one piece, and I was done eating by seven, so I had plenty of time to digest, but still, I hate not knowing my intake for the day. It sucks.
I think I'm going to have to have a pretty high intake for the day. But as I'm still working my way back down to restricting, I think that's okay. Besides, having varied intakes keeps your metabolism up. We'll see how it goes.
In other news, I'm looking into corset training. The website Corset Story is having a few sales right now, so I think I'm going to try it. I researched a ton, so I know how to do it safely, and I think it will really help with my waistline. Not to mention it makes it harder to eat, so it'll be even easier to eat less and less. :) I can't wait to start. I just need to order the ones I want first.
Other than that, nothing much is happening. I've been making sure that no matter what, I'm doing planks every day, and my belly is getting flatter. And my legs are slowly getting slimmer. But no matter what I do, I can't get my arms to shape up! They're so flabby, and it's disgusting. But I won a free givaway of these toning beauty products, so when they arrive I'll try them out and see if it helps. :/
It's just tough doing all this when I'm stuck at home in the lair of obesity. Everyone in my family is overweight and they all have terrible relationships with food. They eat so much, it's disgusting. And when I eat a normal amount, they think I'm crazy because I'm not stuffing my face. I can't tell them this, I just have to work around it. Hopefully I'll be getting out sometime this year. Until then, I just have to hide shit. It sucks. I don't even own a scale. I use my boyfriends whenever I go over there. In fact, I'm going over there tonight, so I'll post stats either tonight or tomorrow.
I guess that's it for now. I'm at work, but it's dead, so I'm going to catch up on homework. Stay strong everyone. Stay skinny. <3
Fun fact: A scientist did a study to prove that lower calories is the key to losing weight, so he ate a super low calorie diet of junk food like twinkies and shit, and he lost 20 pounds...just sayin...
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Intro
Hi...I have no idea how this works and I'm nervous as hell about this...soooo...this is going to be pretty pathetic (predictably).
I guess I'll start with a disclaimer (even though I really don't give a shit). I am pro ana, as is this blog. If that's a problem for whatever fucking reason, leave now.
I swear a lot. I'm bisexual. I'm opinionated. I'm pretty much guaranteed to offend you in some way. If that's a problem, leave.
My life is incredibly boring. I do nothing. I have nothing to say. So this will basically be me bitching about the stuff that goes on inside my head. So seriously. If you don't like it, leave now.
Anyway, moving on. I'm 19. I've never had an eating disorder, nor will I ever have one. I haven't been diagnosed with anything ever. But I want to lose weight, and the only method that has ever worked for me is intense restricting. I love anything pro ana. Regular people's opinions of thinspo are always like, really fat. Have you ever noticed that?
Random person: Omg she's so skinny thinspo!
Me: She looks like me. She's a fat fucking cow. Wtf.
That's literally me inside my head whenever the average girl talks about weight. Or they'll be all "Ugh, she's way too thin," and I'm sitting here thinking, "She'd be so pretty if she lost a little more weight..."
Basically, my standards are way beyond your average person's. Ideally, I eat less than your average person (although I tend to binge-ughhhhh) and I think very differently than your average person. Hence I consider myself pro ana. Although I suck at it, hence I use the name "wannabe".
I basically suck at everything I attempt to do. Although other people think I'm good at them, so I'm like, "Okay, whatever. Might as well do shit."
Anywayyyyyyyyy...I don't really have anything else to say. I'm trying to get back into restricting after a long period of trying to be "healthy". So for today I'm at about 360 calories for the day. I have school til 5:00, so I figure no matter what I eat for dinner, as long as I don't eat after dinner I'm safe. We shall see.
Note: I only have internet access at school and work, not at home, so my posts will be sporadic, if anyone cares.
I just realized I've been rambling like crazy and I never really introduced myself. Hi. I'm me. I like music and singing, and I want to be an alternative model (maybe when I lose the weight... *crosses fingers*). I draw and write as well. I write poetry, music, and novels. Anything else there is to know about me, I suppose I'll say in some future post.
So I'm going to abandon this cluster fuck of an intro. I have nothing to say as an exit, so I'll leave this here.
"I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control. I want a perfect body-I want a perfect soul..."
I guess I'll start with a disclaimer (even though I really don't give a shit). I am pro ana, as is this blog. If that's a problem for whatever fucking reason, leave now.
I swear a lot. I'm bisexual. I'm opinionated. I'm pretty much guaranteed to offend you in some way. If that's a problem, leave.
My life is incredibly boring. I do nothing. I have nothing to say. So this will basically be me bitching about the stuff that goes on inside my head. So seriously. If you don't like it, leave now.
Anyway, moving on. I'm 19. I've never had an eating disorder, nor will I ever have one. I haven't been diagnosed with anything ever. But I want to lose weight, and the only method that has ever worked for me is intense restricting. I love anything pro ana. Regular people's opinions of thinspo are always like, really fat. Have you ever noticed that?
Random person: Omg she's so skinny thinspo!
Me: She looks like me. She's a fat fucking cow. Wtf.
That's literally me inside my head whenever the average girl talks about weight. Or they'll be all "Ugh, she's way too thin," and I'm sitting here thinking, "She'd be so pretty if she lost a little more weight..."
Basically, my standards are way beyond your average person's. Ideally, I eat less than your average person (although I tend to binge-ughhhhh) and I think very differently than your average person. Hence I consider myself pro ana. Although I suck at it, hence I use the name "wannabe".
I basically suck at everything I attempt to do. Although other people think I'm good at them, so I'm like, "Okay, whatever. Might as well do shit."
Anywayyyyyyyyy...I don't really have anything else to say. I'm trying to get back into restricting after a long period of trying to be "healthy". So for today I'm at about 360 calories for the day. I have school til 5:00, so I figure no matter what I eat for dinner, as long as I don't eat after dinner I'm safe. We shall see.
Note: I only have internet access at school and work, not at home, so my posts will be sporadic, if anyone cares.
I just realized I've been rambling like crazy and I never really introduced myself. Hi. I'm me. I like music and singing, and I want to be an alternative model (maybe when I lose the weight... *crosses fingers*). I draw and write as well. I write poetry, music, and novels. Anything else there is to know about me, I suppose I'll say in some future post.
So I'm going to abandon this cluster fuck of an intro. I have nothing to say as an exit, so I'll leave this here.
"I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control. I want a perfect body-I want a perfect soul..."
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