Nothing changes, does it?

Some of the blogs I followed years ago are still here. One of them stopped posting, I hope she’s okay. I hope it’s because she recovered. Is there a message feature on here? Maybe I’ll leave a comment on her most recent in case she ever comes back. I hope she doesn’t. God, I wish none of us were here. I was going to comment on something that someone said that led me to the “pro-Ana” community back in high school, but I started thinking about it and it goes back further than that. I had a dieting phase in middle school, and I’ve had a “fucking hating myself” phase my whole life. Are some people just born to be sad? Or are we nurtured to be sad?
I can say I wasn’t wanted, I was neglected, I was forced to fill to adult of a role too young. I can say that I was terrified all the time, that nobody cares when I cried, that I can’t remember being hugged or told anyone loved me. I can say I was slapped around, the memories are gone but I know it happened.   But nobody fucking cares. A bitch I know posted on Facebook “everyone’s got a sad story, no one cares. Hustle anyway” or some shit. (Ironic to post about how nobody cares but whatever). It’s true. Nobody cares. If you talk about your pain it’s either a competition or a circle jerk over who was abused worst. Nobody cares. And nobody gives a shit who it turned you into. They just think you’re an asshole.
And their right, but I promise I hate myself more than anybody ever could. I punish myself every day, in my mind, and lately I’ve been hurting myself physically. It doesn’t matter. No one cares.
I’m bitter but I’m not even sad about it. I just want to be left the fuck alone.
But that’s a lie because I here I am. Important to point out my own hypocrisy.
Idk I’m crossed and tired and I want to go back to sleep. I’ve been sleeping all day. It’s the next best thing to being dead.

Why am I still here?

Here. This blog. This life.
I always come back here. I always sink this low again, no matter what.
I don't even know what is wrong with me. I don't know why I can't just be happy and stay happy.
It's not a food things this time. I'm just so fucking lonely. I have so much going on in my head and I can never talk about any of it. Every time I do talk about it, something bad happens. I've gotten good at hiding it. Choking it down.
I just don't know what to do. I'm trapped.
Probably just going to get drunk tonight

Today I ate...

Tea for breakfast (0)
Water (0)
Iced coffee for a snack (190)
Vegetable soup for dinner (160)
Total: 350
.
Even better? That was my plan all along. I stuck to it.
Maybe
Just maybe
I can do this.

Must get skinnier

Here's the plan for tomorrow
Breakfast : water and tea
Lunch: rice and veggies
More water
Dinner: depends on what I'm doing...so as little as I can get away with. Salad if im out, juice if im home.
No food after dinner.
I have to do this. I cannot go on eating the way I've been eating. It's awful and disgusting and I'm fucking fat. And on top of that, I'm wasting money on food I don't need. So it needs to end. Now.

Denial

I can't imagine what it must feel like to feel free in your own body. To not feel as if your body is a shell you don't fit in, or a cage holding you captive. What does it feel like to not want to rip your own skin off until you can breathe? To not ever think about shedding your skin and finally being comfortable?
I feel like I've wasted 20 years of my life, and every second I spend in this lie is a waste of time when I could be living as myself.
But I cant. It's just not an option.
So I go back in denial.
And in the closet.

I'm bad at multitasking

Focus. Basically what it comes down to is focus. And I'm awful at focusing on more than one thing at a time. The more I focus on the rest of my life, the more I neglect my weight. And the more I focus on my weight, the more I neglect everything else.
I guess I just need to try harder. I'm not willing to sacrifice the progress I've made in other aspects of my life, but I'm just so fucking sick and tired of looking like this.
I just need to try harder. That's all.

Stats + I suck

Current stats:
Height - 5'4"
Weight - 137
BMI - 23.5
CGW - 130
UGW (for now) - 120

I cannot believe I let myself gain this much. This is ridiculous. How did I ever think I was fat when I weighed 117? Fuck me.

I'll post measurements when I get home if I remember to.