Must get skinnier

Here's the plan for tomorrow
Breakfast : water and tea
Lunch: rice and veggies
More water
Dinner: depends on what I'm doing...so as little as I can get away with. Salad if im out, juice if im home.
No food after dinner.
I have to do this. I cannot go on eating the way I've been eating. It's awful and disgusting and I'm fucking fat. And on top of that, I'm wasting money on food I don't need. So it needs to end. Now.

Denial

I can't imagine what it must feel like to feel free in your own body. To not feel as if your body is a shell you don't fit in, or a cage holding you captive. What does it feel like to not want to rip your own skin off until you can breathe? To not ever think about shedding your skin and finally being comfortable?
I feel like I've wasted 20 years of my life, and every second I spend in this lie is a waste of time when I could be living as myself.
But I cant. It's just not an option.
So I go back in denial.
And in the closet.

I'm bad at multitasking

Focus. Basically what it comes down to is focus. And I'm awful at focusing on more than one thing at a time. The more I focus on the rest of my life, the more I neglect my weight. And the more I focus on my weight, the more I neglect everything else.
I guess I just need to try harder. I'm not willing to sacrifice the progress I've made in other aspects of my life, but I'm just so fucking sick and tired of looking like this.
I just need to try harder. That's all.

Stats + I suck

Current stats:
Height - 5'4"
Weight - 137
BMI - 23.5
CGW - 130
UGW (for now) - 120

I cannot believe I let myself gain this much. This is ridiculous. How did I ever think I was fat when I weighed 117? Fuck me.

I'll post measurements when I get home if I remember to.

Rules

Just some simple rules to set for myself to stay on track, in no particular order.
1. No eating after 7
2. Stretch morning and night
3. Healthy breakfast every day
4. Limit fast food to 3 times a week (I eat way too much taco bell)
5. Have green tea in the afternoon, especially at work.
6. Take better care of yourself. Shave, skincare, dress nice. Use yourself as inspiration.
7. Drink a glass of water before breakfast every day.
8. Don't sit all day! Get up and move at least once every hour.
9. Work out regularly, even if it's only a little bit.
10. Make more healthy dinners with michael.

I'm a terrible person

So here's the thing. The reason I've returned isn't good (but then, it never is). I'm afraid for my friend. He is a friend of my boyfriend's, and my bf told me that he starves himself. Apparently he eats a piece of toast in the morning but then fasts the rest of the day, until very late at night. He refuses to eat in between. And he has lost 10 pounds in the past month.
I'm worried about him. I want him to be okay, to be happy. But then I use his experience as encouragement. Like, if he can do it, so can I. But that's so wrong! What the hell is wrong with me?

In no particular order...

10 reasons to stop stuffing your fucking face (some personal inspiration)
1. Modeling. You will never model at the size you are now and you know it.
2. To be happy. You'll never be satisfied with your appearance until you lose the weight.
3. Healthier eating habits=better skin
4. Cute clothes
5. Because you don't want to be a big little girl. You want to be little for Daddy (if anyone is reading, this is about Daddy Dom, not my literal father)
6. Smaller waist=bigger butt
7. Smaller waist=bigger chest
8. To get the tattoos
9. Slimmer face=prettier face.
10. To finally have control