I'm a terrible person

So here's the thing. The reason I've returned isn't good (but then, it never is). I'm afraid for my friend. He is a friend of my boyfriend's, and my bf told me that he starves himself. Apparently he eats a piece of toast in the morning but then fasts the rest of the day, until very late at night. He refuses to eat in between. And he has lost 10 pounds in the past month.
I'm worried about him. I want him to be okay, to be happy. But then I use his experience as encouragement. Like, if he can do it, so can I. But that's so wrong! What the hell is wrong with me?

In no particular order...

10 reasons to stop stuffing your fucking face (some personal inspiration)
1. Modeling. You will never model at the size you are now and you know it.
2. To be happy. You'll never be satisfied with your appearance until you lose the weight.
3. Healthier eating habits=better skin
4. Cute clothes
5. Because you don't want to be a big little girl. You want to be little for Daddy (if anyone is reading, this is about Daddy Dom, not my literal father)
6. Smaller waist=bigger butt
7. Smaller waist=bigger chest
8. To get the tattoos
9. Slimmer face=prettier face.
10. To finally have control

I'm back + new goals

I am tired of being unhappy with my appearance. My weight is the same it's always been, my skin is terrible, my hair is a mess. I need to get control of myself. I'm pathetic.
I've been using an app to track my intake and exercise, but it's not enough. Im not going to jump in too quickly though. For now, I'm just going to add in a few things at a time. My first step is to get back into drinking TONS of water. I used to be really good about that, but not so much anymore. And I'll pay more attention to what I'm eating, in addition to his much. I'm not going to worry about exercise for the moment, because it's hotter than Satan's ball sack right now. I'll work on my current goals for a few weeks, then add more. Other goals is to take better care of my skin. I'm training to be a makeup artist, which means constant practice. I really need a better skincare routine. That's all for now.
I guess I'm done for the moment. We'll see how this goes.

I'm leaving

I need to get away from this before it consumes and destroys me. I need to start taking care of myself before this brief moment of sanity is gone and it's too late. I am fine the way I am, and I want to be healthy. I don't want to be depressed anymore, and I don't want to starve. So I'm going to focus on taking care of myself. I wish you all the best.

Thinspo-Black and white

I just used the rest of my black and white pics, and they ended up being all legs! I'll look for more variety next time. But hey, legs are nice.

So I'm still here

Assuming anyone cares. But yeah. Not only am I still here, but I'm back. Back to restricting, back to exercising every night. Back to browsing MPA during my free time.
For a while there, I thought that I'd rather be a little heavier and be happy, without worry about what I eat, then to stress over what I'm eating and be skinny. And I felt great, until I stepped on a scale at my boyfriend's house and started to cry. Turns out I'd rather be skinny.
So here I am. Still failing college, still failing at life, but now I'm five pounds heavier. But I've been working at it for the past two days, and it's amazing how much my stomach shrinks just because I was so fat and bloated from eating terribly. It's enough motivation to keep me going. That and the fact that my boyfriend admitted that my body isn't as good as when we met. (When we met I was eating 300 kcal a day and exercising multiple times a day). So I'm back at it. We'll see how it goes I guess. And if I fail, there's always another option.
So today I had homemade granola for breakfast (No fucking clue how many kcal it is, which sucks) and almond milk. For now I'm just watching my intake rather than counting calories. I'll probably start counting (and restricting) on Monday.
Oh yeah, and one good thing came out of it all: my boyfriend agreed to support me losing weight, no matter what I choose to do. He won't argue my intake or anything anymore. Which is good.
Anyway, this was just a quick update. I'll post again when I have something to say. Maybe I'll go collect some thinspo and post it.

I might be saying goodbye

I'm thinking about killing myself. It just seems like the logical thing to do. My life is going nowhere. I have nothing going for me. To be honest, I just don't see any reason to continue existing. I'm flunking out of college and I'm terrible at everything else in my life. I'm going nowhere...so I may as well just leave.
It probably won't be for another few weeks, (I still need to prepare), but in case I don't come back to this, I just wanted to say thank you to the four of you who read this. I really did enjoy posting for a while there. It was a nice distraction. I know I wasn't here for long, but it was nice. I wish the best for all of you.